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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28466016">Kintsugi - or - How to repair a love with silver</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/s_a_b_i_n_e/pseuds/s_a_b_i_n_e'>s_a_b_i_n_e</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Established Relationship, Eventual Fluff, Idiots in Love, Little sprinkles of smut, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane-centric, Marriage, Oblivious Alec Lightwood, Relationship Negotiation, Relationship Problems, divorce papers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:29:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>27,728</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28466016</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/s_a_b_i_n_e/pseuds/s_a_b_i_n_e</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After 9 years of marriage Magnus and Alec, the parents of two, reach a crossroads in their relationship. Is what's left of their love enough to find their way back to each other?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>678</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>410</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Favorite Malec Stories</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Welcome to this new story of mine. I honestly don't think that this tale is safe for reading at work, because of the danger of ugly and happy crying. For those of you who need it, warnings for smut will be in the notes <i>below</i> the chapter, so that I don't spoil anything. Just jump there if you need them.</p><p>Please let me know what you think in the comments. I love and crave your feedback.</p><p>Thanks goes to my wonderful beta reader Hittiske who does not only do her best to erase all my misspellings, but also challenges me with her views and ideas. I'm so happy you're on board again!</p><p>And now, enjoy the ride. 💜</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>"Everything alright?"</p><p>His husband's voice pulls Magnus out of his thoughts.</p><p>"Sure, ... I'm just trying to figure out how I will manage to take Rafe to his training next week. They rescheduled it and now it collides with Max's guitar lessons."</p><p>"I'm sure you will find a way," Alec says, puts his briefcase on the dinner table, and shrugs out of his suit jacket before pressing the usual peck on Magnus' cheek.</p><p>It's not really what Magnus was thinking about. He already asked Izzy to pick up Max, but Alec doesn't need to know that his husband of nine years is pondering if their relationship has finally reached its expiration date.</p><p>Alec is late <em>again</em>, he reeks of cigar smoke and expensive whisky <em>again</em>, and he hasn't properly kissed him for days, if not weeks. Alec doesn't seem to miss him the way Magnus misses him. Alec's life is colourful and exhilarating while Magnus' is boring and grey.</p><p>Magnus hasn't always been like that. He was the enfant terrible of the North American literature scene, party king (and sometimes queen), a restless soul, always game to have fun.</p><p>And now? Now he hasn't written a single sentence for months, his eyes haven't seen a kohl for ages, the coloured highlights in his hair are long grown out, and he hasn't even had the energy to colour the first grey strays that break up his raven hair.</p><p>Why should he do that anyway? The kids don't mind and Alec for sure doesn't care how he looks. Magnus can't remember the last time Alec complimented him, except for a blow job a few weeks ago. And isn't it pathetic that Magnus still clings to that praise?</p><p>If he had wanted to be treated like that he could have stayed with Camille. At least she never bothered with acting as if Magnus was anything but a pastime until something (or someone) better came along.</p><p>He has savings and several offers for new book projects. He isn't dependent on Alec financially, but he still wants him and it hurts that his husband seems to have fallen out of love with him.</p><p>Most of the time Alec is too tired for sex and his running is more important than cuddling in the morning. He's a weekend daddy, a good one, though. But is that really enough to stay together?</p><p>It's not as if Magnus didn't try to save his marriage. He really did. From date nights to sexy lingerie, from sex in Alec's office to going to those awfully boring business events, from cooking Alec's favourite food to staying interesting on an intellectual level. But all that didn't really make a difference, so he stopped.</p><p>It all had started so wonderfully. He met Alec at a terribly snobbish dinner party. He was there to accompany his mother Maryse who was their cheerleader even before they allowed themselves to fall in love. This stubborn, but surprisingly soft man anchored Magnus and it scared the shit out of him. He was not one to settle down as the arm candy of a careerist.</p><p>But Alec didn't ask him for that. He was proud of him, of his achievements, always asked about his writing. He became the first one to get to read it. Magnus remembers days in bed with Alec wrapped around him, listening to him reading his latest chapters.</p><p>Their spontaneous wedding after same-sex marriage became legal in New York surprised family, friends, and the press alike. Adopting their beautiful children later just felt right.</p><p>The picture that was taken for The New Yorker the next year still hangs framed in the living room. Magnus laughs into the camera with baby Max in his arms and toddler Rafael sits on his husband's lap. Alec smiles at him lovestruck. Sometimes Magnus stares at the picture just to see that it isn't just a fruit of his imagination that Alec once looked at him like that.</p><p>Maybe he shouldn't have proclaimed a writing hiatus, shouldn't have focussed on his family, but on his career. They had enough money to hire a live-in nanny, but Magnus wanted to give his boys what he himself never had: a stable, loving family with present parents who loved each other.</p><p>Alec was all for it at the beginning. He took care of the boys in the evening to give Magnus some much-needed rest, he came home early to have family dinner, he worked his schedule around doctor's appointments and pre-school applications.</p><p>Magnus doesn't know exactly when Alec changed when he started to work late or established a regular nightcap in one of those high society gentlemen's clubs. It was a slow process.</p><p>Of course, he is proud of what his husband achieved. He is the CEO of a big company now. Both knew that long hours and socialising were part of the deal. But Magnus never thought that Alec was the kind of man to put his work before love and family.</p><p>Their marriage isn't exactly loveless, that wouldn't be fair to say, but passionless for sure. Magnus yearns for more, yearns for the attentive man he fell for all those years ago, longs for loving touches and casual affection. He wants a husband who is home for dinner at least several times a week, kisses their boys goodnight, and makes passionate love to him, a husband who makes him feel <b>wanted</b>.</p><p>What he has is an always tired husband who comes late every day, sometimes straight from work and sometimes after going to the club, any time too late to see his sons on a weeknight.</p><p>Alec loosens his tie and opens the highest button of his dress shirt. He looks sexy like that. Magnus would appreciate the view if he weren't so tired from two days and nights of holding the bucket for a sick child.</p><p>As if on cue Alec asks, "How is Rafe doing?"</p><p>"Better," Magnus answers brusquely, eyeing Alec's socked feet on the freshly cleaned coffee table.</p><p>"Have you eaten or do you want me to heat our dinner up for you?"</p><p>Magnus is tired of this question. He had to ask it way too often lately.</p><p>"I'm fine. Had something before I went to the club."</p><p>"Of course," Magnus murmurs.</p><p>Alec switches on the tv and scrolls through his phone. Maybe he reads work emails, goes through his social media, or he fixes a date with another man. Who knows? Magnus quit asking him to switch it off and talk with him instead a while ago. Alec isn't in the mood for conversation after a long day of work. He isn't in the mood for anything, really.</p><p>Magnus gets up and walks to the children's room. The boys are both sleeping peacefully and he can't help but let a few tears roll over his face.</p><p>Alec is the love of his life, but he doesn't seem to care anymore how he feels. As long as he can show off his family whenever it could benefit him and the inconveniences of family life don't keep him from working and his professional social life, everything is fine.</p><p>Magnus hasn't been fine for a very long time.</p><p>He walks to the bedroom and slips into the luxurious silk pyjamas, a relic of an era long gone by. He falls asleep exhausted and alone.</p><p>Just another day without taking the divorce papers out of his own secretary desk and putting them on Alec's in his study.</p><p>Tomorrow. Tomorrow he'll be strong enough to finally do it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Thank you, Isabelle. You're an angel!"</p><p>Magnus kisses his sister-in-law on both cheeks and invites her in.</p><p>"Put your guitar away, Max. I don't want anyone to trip over it. And Rafe, take a shower. Dinner is ready in 30 minutes."</p><p>Izzy follows Magnus into the kitchen where he opens the slow cooker and adds the last ingredients.</p><p>"Do you eat with us?" he asks.</p><p>"As if I would ever say no to a home-cooked meal of yours. I can set the table. Will Alec arrive soon?"</p><p>Magnus suppresses a sigh. "I don't think so."</p><p>Izzy stops in the middle of reaching for the plates and turns around. Magnus wanted to go for nonchalance, but maybe his voice betrayed him.</p><p>"Is everything okay, Magnus?" she asks frowning.</p><p>He won't cry in front of her. He can't. He mustn't.</p><p>"Sure," he presses out, but the strangled syllable lets the worry line on Izzy's forehead only grow deeper.</p><p>"Is something wrong with Alec?" she asks softly.</p><p>Magnus shrugs his shoulders. "Maybe if you ask him he will give you an answer. I really don't know anything that's going on in his life anymore."</p><p>"What do you mean?" Izzy sounds alarmed. </p><p>Magnus turns away from her to cut the fresh herbs, a good way to hide his wet eyes.</p><p>"What I said. I don't know when he comes home, I don't know what he's doing when he's gone. He only answers vaguely when I ask." <i>I don't know my husband anymore</i>, he adds in his mind.</p><p>He moved these words inside of his head for months now. He never let them exist outside of himself before.</p><p>"Oh, Magnus."</p><p>He feels Izzy's hand on his shoulder and he starts trembling like a leaf. He wipes his eyes. <i>Shit.</i> He can't be puffy from crying at the dinner table. The kids will worry. Usually, he makes it past bedtime.</p><p>"It's okay, Isabelle. It's nothing for you to worry about. Sorry. Forget that I said something."</p><p>Izzy crosses her arms. "Magnus, you're not only my brother-in-law, you're also my friend. Do you really think I let my brother get away with treating you like this?"</p><p>Magnus shrugs again. After all these years he still hasn't gotten used to the way Alec's family welcomed him as one of their own right from the start.</p><p>He should have known that Izzy would side with him. And that's all fine and well now, but he doesn't want to think about how awful it will be for all of them when he'll file for divorce. Or maybe it will be easy for the Lightwoods. Blood is thicker than water after all.</p><p>The mere thought lets Magnus' stomach clench painfully. Without the regular help of Izzy, Jace, and their partners Magnus would have collapsed a long time ago.</p><p>That's what you get when your best friends besides your in-laws are single parents, live abroad, or work the nightshift. He'll have no real support net if the Lightwoods decide to pull out.</p><p>And then there is the other fear, of course. His lawyer said that the chances of Alec getting sole custody were slim, but the Lightwoods are a powerful family. Magnus knows that he wouldn't stand a chance if they put their mind on taking the kids away from him. In all honesty, that's likely one of the reasons the papers are still in the drawer of his desk.</p><p>All of his fears must be written in his posture or maybe Izzy can see more of this face than he wants to. Either way, she swirls him around and pulls him into a tight hug.</p><p>"I'll talk to him. I know my brother. He would never hurt you on purpose, but sometimes he's too caught up in his own head. He loves you, Magnus."</p><p>"If you say so." It's clear that Magnus has his doubts. "But please, don't say anything. This is between him and me, and when push comes to shove he will need you at his side."</p><p>Izzy stares at him for a long moment. "So bad?" she whispers.</p><p>"This will pass. Don't worry."</p><p>As if these words would ever work on his sister-in-law. Why did he open his stupid mouth?</p><p>Izzy nods nonetheless and walks out of the kitchen to set the table. They have dinner and while Magnus gets the boys ready for bed she takes care of the dishes.</p><p>Afterwards they settle with a bottle of wine on the balcony. Izzy talks a little about her work as a college professor and Magnus tells her the boys' latest shenanigans until the sound of a key in the front door announces Alec's homecoming. </p><p>"Izzy!" he welcomes her with bright eyes and pulls her into a hug.</p><p>Magnus gets the usual peck on the cheek before Alec walks inside to fetch a glass for the wine, too.</p><p>"Haven't seen you in ages, Iz. How is it going?"</p><p>"Well, better than with you, as I am hearing."</p><p>Magnus steels himself. Leave it to his sister-in-law to not pussyfoot around.</p><p>Alec frowns. "What do you mean?"</p><p>"I heard that you're working too much."</p><p>"Isabelle, you're exaggerating," Magnus tries to soften the blow.</p><p>"Am I?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.</p><p>Alec shifts around on his chair. "That's what CEOs do, Izzy. We don't have fixed working hours. Magnus and I knew that when we decided that I'd accept the offer."</p><p>Alec is not wrong. His husband agreed. What Magnus didn't imagine then, though, was to be ignored in the few hours of the day that they <i>could</i> spend together. What he didn't expect was that their active sex life would veg out. And not in his wildest dreams he would have imagined that Alec would ever stop being affectionate towards him. But all this is reality now and he doesn't know how much longer he will be able to endure it.</p><p>Izzy turns to Magnus and as unaffected as he tries to look, she feels the urge to kick her brother in the nuts. Is Magnus right? Did Alec change so much, that he can't read his husband anymore? They all know that Magnus is good at keeping up a brave face, but Izzy always trusted Alec to see right through it.</p><p>She shouldn't interfere. But it hurts to see her brother messing up without even realising it, as it seems. Maybe a heart-to-heart is in order.</p><p>"I need to go home now. Maybe we can catch a coffee sometime, Alec? My break is still at the same time."</p><p>"Sure," he replies.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A few days later Magnus does his shopping for the weekend. He stands in front of the cereals. The supermarket has rearranged them again and he's looking for Alec's favourite. If he doesn't restock it, Monday Alec will leave with a breakfast based on plain black coffee. Magnus can't do this to Alec's assistant. His husband is terrible when he's hangry.</p><p>Magnus finally finds the brand, tosses two cartons into the shopping trolley, and pushes it to the frozen food aisle. He's retrieving pizza from the back of the freezer when his phone starts ringing.</p><p><i>Please, don't let one of the kids be sick</i>, he prays. The number on his display is their landline. Magnus frowns. There shouldn't  be anybody home.</p><p>Magnus picks up. He hears heavy breathing on the other side.</p><p>"Who is it?" he asks. There are several people who have a key to their loft.</p><p>"Mag ... <i>(rattled breathing)</i> ... is ... <i>(gasping)</i> ... true?"</p><p>What is Alec doing at home!? And why is he breathing so hard?</p><p>"Alexander, what is happening?"</p><p>"Panic."</p><p>
  <i>Fuck!</i>
</p><p>"Everything's alright, darling. I've got you. Breathe for me, okay? In - 2 - 3 - 4, out - 2 - 3 - 4, in ..."</p><p>It takes a few minutes until Alec is breathing relatively normal again. This was a bad one. Panic attacks happened often at the beginning of their relationship, but never since they got married.</p><p>"You're doing so well, Alexander," Magnus praises.</p><p>"Is it true?" Alec's voice comes broken over the phone.</p><p>"What, darling?" Magnus asks, leaning his forehead against the cool door of the refrigerator. </p><p>"That you want a divorce?"</p><p>Magnus freezes and in the back of his mind, he sees how ridiculous the situation is. He in the frozen food aisle, his husband who shouldn't be at home, and Alec somehow found out about his not really existing plans.</p><p>"How do you know?" Magnus presses out.</p><p>"Needed sticky tape ... I know you always have some in your desk."</p><p>
  <i>Shit.</i>
</p><p>"Alec, I'm back in 20 minutes. We shouldn't talk about this on the phone." <i>Not in your current state anyway.</i></p><p>"So, it is true? You're leaving me?" Alec mumbles and it's breaking Magnus' heart.</p><p><i>You left me first</i>, he wants to scream at him, but he refrains.</p><p>"I'm coming home and then we'll talk. Drink something and lie down. I'm back soon."</p><p>"Shit, Magnus, don't leave me. Please, love. I need you," Alec begs, his voice tear-heavy.</p><p><i>Love.</i> Magnus can't remember the last time Alec called him that.</p><p>"I'm coming home and <b>then</b> we'll talk."</p><p>"Okay," comes Alec's voice weakly through the phone speaker.</p><p>Magnus hangs up and rushes through the checkout.</p><p>When he finally makes it home, he stops in front of the door and takes a deep breath. He has no idea what is waiting for him on the other side, but he knows that there is no turning back now. He unlocks the door and pushes it open.</p><p>"Alec, I'm home," he shouts.</p><p>There is no answer, but he hears sobs from the bedroom. That's where he finds Alec, sitting on the floor, leaning against the bed, the divorce papers scattered around him. His face shows fresh and dried trails of tears, his eyes are red and glassy.</p><p>Magnus kneels down next to him, not sure what to do. He hates this. He wants to comfort Alec, but he is the one who brought him into this state.</p><p>"Hey," Magnus says quietly and Alec's eyes shoot up. "It's going to be alright."</p><p>Alec shakes his head. "Nothing will be alright if you leave me," he presses out.</p><p>Silence weighs heavy between them.</p><p>"Why?" Alec croaks.</p><p>Magnus sighs. "Would you describe our marriage as happy?"</p><p>Alec looks at him in confusion. "I thought we were."</p><p>Magnus shakes his head. "We hardly talk, we're living separate lives, Alexander. We had sex what? Twice in the last 6 months?"</p><p>Alec wants to protest, but his mouth betrays him. He swallows around the lump in his throat.</p><p>"So, you don't love me anymore." </p><p>Magnus shakes his head. "I still love you, but I do not feel loved and ... I'm not sure if I can endure that any longer."</p><p>"I'm sorry," Alec whimpers and he sounds so sad, it makes Magnus feel sick.</p><p>"Is there somebody else?" Alec asks and Magnus shakes his head no. Alec releases a breath of pure relief. "I love you, babe. Please. We can figure this out."</p><p>"Alec," Magnus sighs, "for months I tried everything. I tried to talk - you wouldn't listen. I tried to seduce you, but you still prefer jerking off in the shower. You're good with the boys, but you leave me alone with <b>everything</b>."</p><p>Alec looks down at his hands. "I thought that's how you wanted it, that I only brought chaos into your fine-tuned planning. And the sex - it's not that I don't want to. But you are so tired when I'm home. I mean, you're working your ass off with the boys and the housekeeping. You're always asleep when I come to bed."</p><p>Magnus huffs out a sharp breath. "I might not if you went to bed earlier. Or we could have morning sex instead of your stupid run." Magnus knows he sounds like a petulant child, but he has no fuck left to give. If they are going to talk about their marriage he won't hold back.</p><p>Alec's countenance sours. "I try to stay healthy for you and the boys! You know how taxing my job is. I don't want to have a heart attack when I'm mid-forty," Alec objects.</p><p>"Whisky and cigars are surely helping," Magnus scoffs.</p><p>Alec shakes his head in annoyance. "You know that this is an extension of my work. I don't go there for fun."</p><p>"Sure. Why else would you prefer adult company compared to spending time with your husband and sons?" Magnus hisses.</p><p>Alec's eyes grow wide. "Is that what you believe? That I like coming home late, totally burnt out? This is part of my <b>job</b>, Magnus. You knew it would mean working late hours!"</p><p>"Yes, but I didn't realise that this job would turn you into ...," Magnus trails off.</p><p>"Into what?" Alec asks, staring at him in horror.</p><p>"Into someone who doesn't care about me anymore," Magnus whispers.</p><p>Alec's eyes well up again. He falls silent for a long moment, pulling himself together. "I <b>do</b> care, Magnus. All I care about is you and the boys. Why do you think I work so hard? I want to give you three the best life you can possibly have. I keep the weekends free to have time for you."</p><p>"I know," Magnus murmurs. </p><p>"But it isn't enough, is that what it is? Am I not enough?"</p><p>Magnus sighs sharply. Alec always thought he needed to be better to deserve Magnus' love. His husband thought they had erased this fear years ago, but now it's coming back in full swing.</p><p>"That's not what this is about," Magnus says softly, "It's great that you take the boys to the park and the cinema. But you're not a part of our everyday life and your phone and laptop are never far away. Your work always has priority over us, no matter what day of the week it is. And that simply sucks."</p><p>Magnus stands up. "I can't kneel any longer. And you need to be at work, don't you?"</p><p>Alec shakes his head. "I called in sick after you hung up. Our marriage is more important than stupid board meetings."</p><p>Magnus' mouth falls open.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Really? Is it? Because for months I begged and pleaded and you fed me with hopes of everything getting better after the project is over or the holidays are coming. But then something else popped up and all your nice words turned into dust."</p><p>Magnus is fuming. Does Alec really think he can save their marriage through empty phrases?</p><p>"I'm done being lied to," Magnus yells. "I'm done being nothing more than an accessory to you. If you don't want me, that's fine. Just tell me. I'm sure you're better off without the shackles of marriage and fatherhood around your feet."</p><p>Until now Magnus thought he was mostly sad about the state of their relationship, but now he feels anger running hot like fire through his veins. Does Alec really think he is stupid? Swayed by a few tears and empty promises?</p><p>Alec looks at him flabbergasted. Magnus never yells, never loses his temper.</p><p>He scrambles off the floor and moves his hand to grab Magnus' arm, but his husband takes a step back.</p><p>"Don't you dare touch me. Not after everything you've done, mister."</p><p><i>Mister.</i> That's the signal for their boys that shit has hit the fan and Papa is not a person to be trifled with. Not once did Alec hear this word directed at him. This is bad, really bad.</p><p>Alec raises his hands as a sign of appeasement and gives Magnus space.</p><p>"I don't feel shackled and I'm not lying to you. I ... I made a mistake, many mistakes. I wasn't aware of how much you were hurting. I thought we were fine. I am truly sorry, Magnus."</p><p>Magnus huffs. He holds on tightly to his anger.</p><p>"I understand that you're pissed. I deserve that. But please, don't throw our marriage away because I was too stupid to understand what you were trying to tell me. But I'm listening now, I promise."</p><p>"Words are cheap," Magnus hisses, but he feels his resolve crumbling.</p><p>"I know. I get that you can't trust me right now. I know I have no right to ask, but please, give me a chance to explain myself to you. We can fix this."</p><p>Magnus works his jaw. Wasn't that all he wanted? He crosses his arms over his chest. "How are you planning to do that?"</p><p>Alec takes a deep breath, his hands nervously forming fists and loosening again. "Being the husband you need me to be."</p><p>Magnus shakes his head. That's not specific enough. Not after everything he put into this relationship.</p><p>Alec sees this and switches to panic mode. "Tell me what to do. I want to be better for you, for the boys. I fucked up. I'm not sure how and why, but I can change. I <i>want</i> to change. Don't push me away, please. I hurt you and ... fuck! Tell me how to fix this."</p><p>"Maybe there's just no way to fix this, Alec."</p><p>The words sound foreign to his own ears as if someone else would say them. What if Alec agrees? Is this the end?</p><p>Alec breathes in sharply. "There must be a way. Shit, Magnus. We can try marriage counselling, there is <b>nothing</b> I wouldn't do to make you burn these papers. I may have messed up in the past, I <b>did</b> mess up. But I am dead serious. We can figure this out."</p><p>Magnus stays silent. His mind is fuzzy. He wasn't prepared for all of this today. He dreamt of Alec fighting for them, but he mostly imagined him stoically signing the papers and leaving him without much ado.</p><p>Magnus is tired and not only because of the strenuous days behind him. He's tired because he feels lost, like fraying on the edges. He never realised how much Alec helped him hold himself together in the past.</p><p>"Do you love me?" Magnus croaks, his eyes scanning Alec's features for subtle signs of deceit.</p><p>"Yes, yes, I do," Alec hurries to answer. He looks so vulnerable and honest. How could Magnus ever not trust him? As much as he feels mistreated and ignored, to his knowledge Alec never purposely lied to him.</p><p>Magnus feels shame well up in his stomach. In his anger, he wasn't precisely fair or level-headed. If he really wants them to work on their marriage he has to step back from the past and give it a real chance.</p><p>"Do you want to be with me?" Magnus asks, worry lacing his words.</p><p>Alec doesn't give it a second thought. "Forever," he promises. </p><p>The depth of this word eases the edges of the pain in Magnus' heart. Still, he doesn't dare to let his guard down, yet.</p><p>"Are you still attracted to me?" he asks, his stomach in knots.</p><p>"I think we established a long time ago that I'm not gay, but magnusexual."</p><p>Magnus chuckles at this stupid old insider joke. Alec used to make him laugh all the time. When did they lose this ability?</p><p>"Why haven't you touched me then?" Magnus asks, his eyes losing their hardness.</p><p>Alec lowers his gaze. "I honestly have no good explanation for that. It's not that I didn't want to, I just felt bad about asking you when you were so clearly tired. And quite frankly, when I come home, I'm tired, too. It's not an excuse to leave you in the lurch, but ... you're right. I was so fixed in my rituals that I didn't even realise that there were other options.</p><p>"I've been stupid. I'm sorry that I didn't show you how much I love you, how much you mean to me. God, you're still as sexy as the day we met."</p><p>Magnus chuckles. "And now I know you are lying," he says, only semi-serious.</p><p>"I don't. I may be a little jealous that everyone gets to see your beautiful face like this now. I always felt honoured that I was one of the very few allowed to see you like this, but if you feel better without your make-up, that's fine."</p><p>Magnus always thought that Alec just didn't notice that he didn't use make-up anymore. They really haven't talked much in the past few months and the realisation hits him that even if Alec started the silence, he himself didn't try to properly voice his thoughts and needs either. He went all-in on the doing level, but he fell short on communicating more than just his frustrations. High time to change that.</p><p>"It's not that I prefer the natural look, Alexander. I just haven't felt like myself for a very long time."</p><p>Alec marvels at the words for a moment. "Why?"</p><p>Magnus shrugs. "I guess I just lost myself on the way and ... I suppose we both played our parts. I'm just so tired of being lonely and of talking against a brick wall that is supposed to be my husband. And I'm tired of hoping for you to finally look at me again, really look at me.</p><p>"I just can't live my life like this anymore, not with you just halfway in. I was too scared to give you the papers because then I would see if you really fell out of love with me. But now ... I just don't know what to do, if I can trust your promises."</p><p>Alec's shoulders are slumped and Magnus can see the tears he tries to hold back.</p><p>People often mistake Alec for being stoic and heartless, but Magnus knows him better. Alec feels deeply, but he rarely allows himself to show it. He does at this moment and maybe that's why his words make sense to Magnus.</p><p>Alec was misled to think that caring for his family meant bringing money home to pay for expensive private schools and kitchenware, that being considerate meant refraining from sexual advances and talking when Magnus was obviously knackered.</p><p>"We've both been stupid and blind," Magnus says and looks Alec straight into his eyes. "I forgot to really see you, too, with all your colours and shades."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bashfully Magnus reaches out for Alec's hand. His husband grabs it tightly as if afraid that if he let go, Magnus would just disappear in a cloud of smoke. </p><p>"I do whatever you ask of me, Magnus. Just ... don't leave me, please."</p><p>Alec sounds so small. Magnus never wanted to see him like this. All these years and they never managed the art of good communication. That's what brought this mess upon them in the first place.</p><p>"I don't want you to answer every whim of mine. I just want us to be the way we were. No, better than that. Supporting, loving, truly listening."</p><p>Alec nods. Magnus raises his free hand to brush the tears off Alec's cheeks. Alec sighs at the tender touch and his whole body starts trembling.</p><p>"Can I kiss you? Please, let me kiss you, Magnus," he whispers, too afraid to overstep an invisible line. Magnus looks at him with sad eyes. "It's okay if you say no," Alec croaks, new tears starting to fall.</p><p>Magnus shakes his head and closes the space between them. He presses his lips softly to Alec's, his husband still shaking and sobbing into the kiss.</p><p>Alec cards his hands through Magnus' soft hair and pulls him in, kissing back deeply and desperately, holding on to him for dear life.</p><p>Magnus kisses him like a parched man slugging water. His hand fists Alec's shirt. How long did he long for this? Did it really take Alec to see the cliff up close to act?</p><p>Magnus pushes the thoughts away, tries to soak in the moment - Alec's hands in his hair, tugging it as only his husband knows soothes him; his lips, his tongue, his whole mouth so warm and familiar; his body pressing against his own, firm and intimate.</p><p>He pulls Alec's shirt out of his dress pants and after a short moment of surprise, Alec understands.</p><p>He undoes the upper buttons and pulls it over his head. Magnus' hands are on him a second later, running from his hairy chest to the back of his ribs, then tracing a goosebumps invoking trail down Alec's spine.</p><p>Alec hums into his mouth, pushing Magnus' jumper upwards, but stopping when he feels his husband's hand running under the fabric of his briefs, squeezing his cheek sharply.</p><p>Alec moans and Magnus grins. He still knows what Alec likes.</p><p>"I need you," Alec mumbles and the heaviness of these three little words sobers them both for a moment.</p><p>"Then show me," Magnus whispers and both men know it's not only meant for what is about to happen between them.</p><p>Alec nods and softly cradles Magnus' face in his hands. "I will," he promises and leans his forehead against Magnus'. They breathe each other in for a long moment before hands fly to buckles and buttons, hastily ripping off the annoying fabric between them.</p><p>When they are as naked as God created them Alec swipes his husband off his feet and carries him to the bed, just like he did at their wedding night. Magnus always loved Alec's strength and a nearly forgotten swarm of butterflies storms through his stomach.</p><p>Magnus sinks into the mattress, his whole body vibrating with anticipation. It's been so long since they've done this and so much longer without the threat of kids interrupting them.</p><p>But kissing Magnus' neck, fear suddenly runs through Alec's veins. He freezes above his husband who frowns in response.</p><p>"Do you not want to?" Magnus asks.</p><p>"No. I mean, yes. Of course, I do," Alec replies.</p><p>Magnus brushes a thumb over his cheek. "Alexander, what is it?"</p><p>"This is not our last time, right?" he voices his fear.</p><p>Magnus swallows the lump in his throat. "I hope it's not," he answers truthfully, his eyes filled with sadness.</p><p>Magnus brushes the hair out of Alec's face, the small gesture not enough to chase the fear away of Magnus leaving him after all.</p><p>"I want to sleep with you, but maybe sex right now isn't the best thing to do?" Magnus offers and as much as he isn't in the mood for sex anymore, Alec still struggles with the possibility of a wasted chance to be with the love of his life for a very last time.</p><p>Nonetheless he schools his countenance and nods. "You're right. We should talk first." He presses a kiss to Magnus' shoulder. "Can I hold you?" he asks.</p><p>"I need you to," Magnus whispers and pulls him down into a kiss. "I missed you so much."</p><p>"I missed you, too," Alec murmurs and lies down next to his husband. </p><p>Magnus nestles his face into the crook of Alec's neck and relishes the feeling of being connected to him from head to toe.</p><p>"Why did we drift apart?" Alec asks into his hair.</p><p>Magnus shrugs. "I'm not sure. Little changes here and there until there was this big chasm between us, I guess."</p><p>"I'm so sorry, love. Tell me what I can do about it."</p><p>Magnus brushes a hand over Alec's side. "I don't think that there are easy fixes, Alexander, but it's good that we're talking. Maybe couples therapy would do us good."</p><p>Alec hums in agreement but worries his lower lip. "I just need to find a way to make time for it. Don't get me wrong. I want to, but I don't know how right now. We have this company take-over and the hot phase is coming up. I don't know how to get away during the day. I doubt that counsellors work as late as I do."</p><p>Magnus takes a deep breath to swallow a kneejerk reaction. It feels like rejection, but Alec is obviously trying.</p><p>"What if I look and see if there are other options? Weekend appointments or I don't know, other things. Maybe now that we started we just need proper time to talk," he offers.</p><p>Alec kisses Magnus' hair and hums. His hand stills its brushing over Magnus' back. Alec huffs a laugh.</p><p>"When I had lunch with Izzy yesterday she talked about a relationship book she's reading. I was surprised about the topic as she said Simon and her aren't in a crisis, but she said it was for couples at any stage of their relationship and all walks of life. I suppose it wasn't a coincidence she brought it up?"</p><p>Magnus hides his face in Alec's shoulder. "I might have had a little breakdown in front of your sister the other day. I didn't mean to wash our dirty laundry in public. I had a moment of weakness. I'm sorry."</p><p>Alec hugs him closer. "And I'm sorry that I didn't give you the security to talk with me about it. I promise, my ears and my heart will always be open from now on."</p><p>Magnus kisses a thank you into Alec's neck. There's hope and as fragile as it is, it changes so much. He can just pray that Alec will keep his promises.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A little sexual content, but no full on smut.</p><p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Papa, are you here?"</p><p>Magnus is ripped out of his slumber with a racing heart. For a moment he is disorientated, but then he looks at Alec who is slightly moving underneath him, but very much still napping. Oh, how he wishes he had his husband's gift of sound sleep.</p><p>Magnus jumps out of bed, pulls his dressing gown over his shoulders, and quickly knots it closed. How long did they pass out, exhausted from the whirlwind of emotions and all the talking?</p><p>What day of the week is it anyway? The near implosion of his marriage kicked Magnus out of his usual orbit into the vast universe and he feels like an unhinged door, not knowing his purpose or future or present.</p><p><i>Oh, shit!</i> It's Friday. The shortest school day of the week.</p><p>Magnus storms into the entrance hall where Rafael is helping Max out of his jacket.</p><p>"Boys, why are you home?" he asks out of breath. Maybe Alec is right in keeping up his fitness regime. Sport would do him good, too.</p><p>"You weren't there to pick us up so we took the subway alone," Max exclaims proudly, running to embrace his dumbfounded father. They never took the subway on their own before and Magnus always keeps their MetroCards in his wallet.</p><p>Rafael takes in Magnus' single item of clothing and his eyes tighten sharply. He looks so much like Alec when he analyses a situation and not for the first time Magnus is amused by how much someone can resemble a parent even if they aren't genetically connected to them.</p><p>Rafe's voice - intense and laced with a hint of anger - rips him out of his musing. "Where have you been?" he hisses.</p><p>"Sorry, I fell asleep," Magnus murmurs in response. He should scold him for his tone, but Magnus never missed picking them up before, even if he knew, at least his older son could manage the way home alone. Thank God they were done at the same time today. The thought of Max maybe trying to get home on his own makes Magnus' stomach clench. </p><p>"I'm so sorry, boys. I didn't mean to fall asleep. Why didn't you let the school call me?"</p><p>"We're not babies, Papa," Max grumbles and walks into his room. Yes, that was definitely Magnus' way of rolling his eyes that Blueberry shot his way.</p><p>There is movement in the bedroom and Rafael's mouth falls open. He looks at Magnus with a fury he has never seen before. "Are you cheating on Dad?" he yells and Magnus is too taken aback by the sound of his words to clear up the misunderstanding. </p><p>"Is that a way to talk to your father, mister?" comes Alec's thundering voice from behind and Magnus nearly chokes at Alec's choice of words. What a surreal day!</p><p>Rafe looks guilty at the floor. "Sorry, Dad," he murmurs.</p><p>"It's not me you have to apologise to," Alec replies and puts his hand on the small of Magnus' back. "Your father would never do such a thing. And you better watch your mouth before accusing anyone of anything you have no proof of."</p><p>Rafael nods. Alec never scolds. Maybe that's why Magnus can't really relish in the trust that his husband just voiced. Somehow Magnus became the strict parent and Alec the fun one. Just another bullet point on the long list of things they need to talk about.</p><p>"I am sorry, Papa. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions," Rafe croaks.</p><p>Magnus gives him a light smile. "It's okay. Something felt off and you reacted to it. Still, I'd prefer this never to happen again."</p><p>Rafe looks at him like a kicked puppy. <i>Just like Alec did a few hours ago</i>, Magnus' treacherous brain helpfully supplies. Magnus wishes he never got up this morning. He pulls his son into a short, tight hug and brushes his hand through his hair.</p><p>"We're good?" Rafe asks quietly and Magnus messes up his hair in response. His son gives him a small smile and presses a kiss to his cheek.</p><p>"Thank you for watching out for Max," Magnus says, "And tell me how much the subway cost."</p><p>Rafael shakes his head and grins mischievously. "U-uh, see it as a down payment for the phone I'll need, now that I bring Max to school and get home on my own."</p><p>Alec's laughing rumble from behind shoots through Magnus' body and lightens up all the numb places that he nearly forgot are still part of him.</p><p>"You for sure have your father's negotiating skills," Magnus chuckles, "We'll talk about this later. Wash up, I'll make you sandwiches." Magnus sends him off with a smile. When did his oldest grow out of being an innocent child?</p><p>"Let's do it together," Alec whispers and presses a kiss to his neck, his hands running from Magnus' shoulders to his hips.</p><p>The touch elicits a quiet moan from Magnus' lips. "We should have had sex when we had the chance to," he whispers.</p><p>Alec chuckles and pulls him closer. He nibbles on Magnus' neck, just the way he knows he likes it best.</p><p>"We could call Clary to pick them up for the gallery trip they planned for weeks," Magnus moans breathlessly, just quiet enough to be not caught by their sons.</p><p>"Yes, please," Alec murmurs into his skin. "But first let's feed the pack."</p><p>Magnus chuckles. "Sounds like a plan."</p><p>They work around each other in the kitchen. It's strangely new but still familiar. How much Magnus missed moments like this, mundane and yet magical.</p><p>His heart flutters. Does Alec feel the same or is it just a chore for him?</p><p>Later when they sit down for lunch and he listens to the boys' babbling over the sandwiches, Magnus watches Alec over the table. The ever-existent frown on his forehead is relaxed and he laughs at the silly jokes that the boys are sharing.</p><p>It's a glimpse of what should have been there all along and Magnus feels like a hand had crashed into his ribcage and clenched around his heart, threatening to pull it out. The ache doesn't go away, not even when his sister-in-law picks up the kids and he feels Alec's hot breath on his neck and his searching hands on his stomach. </p><p>Will they ever be truly happy again?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Mmh, does this count as sexual content? It's no smut.</p><p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"God, you smell so good," Alec mumbles into Magnus' neck. </p><p>Magnus wants to protest that his deodorant has stopped working a long time ago, but then he draws in the reins on himself. Alec always loved his natural scent.</p><p>Their relationship was very physical right from the start with Magnus being the one with experience and Alec an eager learner, Magnus' satisfaction always on top of Alec's mind.</p><p>They had been perfect for each other in many ways, but their physical communication was always superior to their verbal one. They talked for hours today and it was good and important. It's clear that there are still many topics to discuss, but Magnus decides that it's okay to let their bodies talk for a while, not least because he hopes to chase away the tight feeling in his chest.</p><p>He turns around in Alec's arms, runs his hand through his husband's hair and conquers his lips in a crushing kiss. Alec goes easily, his hands already searching for skin. Magnus shivers when he feels his cold fingers under his jumper, brushing over his soft sides and gripping his love handles. Alec never said a single word about him putting on some weight, even if he himself can still wear his wedding suit and is more hard edges than soft curves.</p><p>Magnus feels a little self-conscious. He hates it. This is not him. He always loved his body, no matter in what form or shape. He never cared about what other people thought. If a lover didn't like him in a chubby state that he more often than not reached in times of writer dormancy, it was time to say goodbye. He would lose the weight when he felt like it eventually, not for his partner.</p><p>Alec knows him like that and it has never been an issue for him. Why does he feel so vulnerable now?</p><p>Alec slowly walks him backwards to the wall until Magnus is pressed against it gently. The bricks in his back are grounding him and he closes his eyes, lets Alec take control.</p><p>How much he missed Alec's lips and hands, his hard lines pressed against him, his taste and scent. Magnus shudders, the pent up longing vibrating out of his body. A sob escapes his lips and Alec pulls his head back, searching his face.</p><p>"We don't have to," he says softly, but Magnus shakes his head. He wants this, he <i>needs</i> this. Alec presses a soft kiss to his lips, and Magnus feels relief at the way his husband communicates his understanding without words. It's how they used to be. Some things are still the same if they just allow the time and space for it.</p><p>"What do you need?" Alec whispers and fixes his soft gaze on Magnus' eyes.</p><p>Magnus' mind is swimming at the sound of Alec's voice, so warm and attentive. "Making love," Magnus answers, his mix of emotions lacing his unsteady voice.</p><p>Alec gives him a warm smile and peppers his face with little kisses. He takes Magnus' hands, presses a kiss on both of them, and leads him to their bedroom.</p><p>He undresses him slowly, caresses and kisses every inch of skin he reveals. Magnus savours his ministrations, so familiar and yet new like the very first time. Maybe they need to get to know each other again on all levels.</p><p>When Magnus is in his boxers Alec hesitates. "Do you want me to ...?"</p><p>Magnus answers without words. He pulls Alec's shirt over his head and runs his fingers through Alec's chest hair, eliciting a sigh of relief. Magnus smiles. They are in this together. Alec is as insecure as he is.</p><p>Magnus runs his hands up to Alec's head and pulls him in for a long, deep kiss. Alec closes the space between them and Magnus gasps into his mouth when he feels Alec's hard cock press against his own.</p><p>He swiftly pushes Alec's sweatpants down and chuckles at Alec's failing attempt to kick them away. </p><p>"That was gracious," he teases and Alec's laugh runs through his whole body.</p><p>"Not everybody is a dancer, Magnus," he replies, smiling at the evolving lightness between them.</p><p>"You're right. Although you got better over the years," Magnus answers. He connects their hips and sways them to imaginary music.</p><p>Alec hums and leans his forehead  to Magnus'.</p><p>After a while Alec asks, "Do you remember our wedding dance?"</p><p>Magnus smiles. "How could I ever forget? I was walking on air."</p><p>Alec chuckles. "Then, I thought that this would be the happiest day of my life," he muses. Magnus frowns but stays silent. "Now I know it was just the beginning. You gifted me with so many beautiful days and things. Yourself, our family, the way you're raising our boys to be strong, loving future adults. How you care for us. I'm so grateful that you provide us with a home we love to come back to. I'm so sorry that I never showed you how I feel about it. And I'm sorry that I put it all on your shoulders. It's my responsibility, too, and I wasn't here. But I plan to do penance. I will cherish you the way you deserve and I will be the partner and the father you and the boys need me to be."</p><p>Throughout Alec's speech, Magnus relaxes more and more. The tightness in his chest loosens and he takes a deep breath, trying to contain the emotions running through his veins.</p><p>"And I promise you the same," Magnus says, "I made mistakes, too, and I wasn't a good role model for our kids either, letting this run its course for so long. But ... we can do this ..." The last word lands somewhere between a statement and a question.</p><p>"We can do this," Alec says with a firm voice and the last strain leaves Magnus' body. They will be fine, eventually.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A little sexual content, but no full on smut.</p><p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus looks down at Alec whose eyes are closed, his face distorted in pleasure. He is beautiful like this.</p><p>Soft moans fall from his husband's lips when Magnus moves inside him.</p><p>"You're so tight," Magnus moans and Alec seriously snickers in lieu of an answer. "You're a menace," Magnus groans and hits his happy spot dead on.</p><p>"Just ... God ... just for ... you," Alec breathes.</p><p>Magnus smirks and dives in for a kiss. It feels like coming home, as if a broken cable was fixed and the current is flowing again.</p><p>Alec clenches purposefully around him. "Do you want to make me come already?" Magnus hisses, barely holding back.</p><p>"I don't want to risk not finishing. Who knows when the kids are back?"</p><p>Magnus grunts. Alec has a point. He takes his husband's neglected cock in his hand and works Alec skillfully to his climax. </p><p>Alec's eyes are fixed on his husband's and he only closes them when he finally comes with Magnus' name on his lips.</p><p>Magnus fucks him through it, his whole being concentrating on Alec's pleasure. When his husband comes out on the other side, still breathing heavily, his face a picture of bliss, Magnus is still moving inside him, but his own orgasm is suddenly out of reach.</p><p>The feeling of rightness is gone. All that is left is shame. What is wrong with him!?</p><p>"Magnus?" Alec slurs, running his hands soothingly over his back.</p><p>"I can't ...," Magnus trails off in frustration, averting his gaze. He was so close and Alec is so hot and tight around him. What the hell!?</p><p>"You can. I've got you," Alec coos. "It’s okay, babe, it’s all right. Just look at me."</p><p>Magnus tries. Alec's warm eyes anchor him, but the tightness in his chest is spreading again. What if all this is just in vain? What if this was the last time he saw Alec like this?</p><p>Alec showers him with encouragement and sweet words, but they do not really register. Magnus feels Alec's hand tugging his hair, his voice piercing through the fog of doubt and worry at last. "Just let go. Come for me, love."</p><p>The endearment does it. Magnus' orgasm shatters him like a tidal wave. It's crashing over him, nearly painful. He falls down on Alec who pulls him into a tight embrace until Magnus catches his breath.</p><p>"It's okay, it's okay," Alec murmurs into his hair and brushes the tears off Magnus' face that he wasn't even aware he was shedding. "Let it all out."</p><p>Magnus sobs. He hasn't cried all day and now everything bursts out of him in ugly, fat tears. Alec runs his warm hands over him, one settling in his hair.</p><p>"I'm so sorry," Alec murmurs and Magnus raises his head.</p><p>"For what?" he croaks. </p><p>"For not making you feel loved. You don't feel safe with me anymore."</p><p>Magnus wants to protest, but the lie dies on his tongue. Alec is right. But it's not only that. He looked down at Alec when he came and it felt like a punch in the guts, like something he didn't deserve after the pain he inflicted on him today. Emotions can be stupid sometimes.</p><p>Magnus hides his face in Alec's shoulder and slips out of him. How can Alec still trust him? How can he let go like that after Magnus nearly broke his heart?</p><p>He doesn't deserve him. Yes, Alec hurt him, but he hurt him, too.</p><p>"I worry that we are broken beyond repair. Or maybe it's just me who's broken," Magnus says.</p><p>Alec sits up against the headboard and pulls Magnus on his lap.</p><p>"I refuse to believe that," he says firmly, brushing the hair out of Magnus' face. "You are not broken, never were. You may have lost yourself on the way, but what is lost can be found again. And we may be broken, but that doesn't mean that our engine can't be up and running again. I'm ready to fight for us.</p><p>"I can't change who I am and I don't want to change what I am. But I am convinced that we'll find each other again through determination, compromises or alternatives. I know that we can find a way to be both happy, together. Hell, you're a writer. Your imagination created worlds. I'm sure this combined with my strategic thinking can be put into good use, mapping out what we want and how to get there."</p><p>He cups Magnus' face. "You are the love of my life and I won't let you go unless you ask me to."</p><p>Alec's hand trembles a little at this statement, but his voice is firm. He doesn't want to think about what would happen if Magnus really didn't want him anymore. But he holds on tightly to Magnus' earlier words.</p><p>
  <i>I still love you.</i>
</p><p>"I ..."</p><p>Whatever Magnus wanted to say gets drowned out by happy voices coming from outside their room.</p><p>Both men jump out of bed and put on their clothes quickly. They walk out to the hallway.</p><p>Clary gives them a knowing grin, but the boys talk over each other excitedly, ignoring their fathers' rumpled appearance.</p><p>"There was a special exhibition of Japanese art," Rafael gushes.</p><p>"So cool, you should have seen the mangas!" Max exclaims.</p><p>"... and the ceramics," Clary adds laughing.</p><p>"Oh, yes, totally crazy. They had some broken things that were fixed with gold," Rafe says and rolls his eyes. "Who does that?"</p><p>Alec laughs and Magnus raises an amused eyebrow. </p><p>"It's a meaningful art form," Magnus says and the boys stare at him sceptically. "The artists cherish the defectiveness of the world and take something broken and make it even more pretty and precious without hiding its history. I think it's beautiful. Everyone can throw away things that aren't perfect anymore. But give it some love and attention and it will have a life again."</p><p>Clary smiles. "You know kintsugi?"</p><p>"I had a Japanese phase in my early twenties," Magnus chuckles. "Thank you for taking the boys."</p><p>"My pleasure," she replies, "I'm happy to help whenever you two need some time for each other." She winks at them and says goodbye.</p><p>Later when they get ready for bed, Magnus places a little bowl on top of the dresser opposite their bed. Alec comes closer, studying the modest item. At a closer look, the plain blue bowl is streaked with silver lines.</p><p>"What is this?"</p><p>Magnus chuckles. "It's a bowl Cat made for me even before we two met. It slipped out of my hand when I dried it and it broke. I fixed it in a workshop. It's surely not the best representation of kintsugi, but I thought it's a good visual for what we are fighting for. Not to replace us with something else, but patching up the broken pieces of our relationship and making it beautiful in the process, better, stronger."</p><p>Alec hums in agreement and nestles his chest to Magnus' back.</p><p>"You know," Alec says, running his finger over one of the lines, "they say, talk is silver."</p><p>Magnus smirks. "Does that mean the golden times are over?"</p><p>Alec's laughter vibrates into Magnus' chest, loosening a little of the tension still living there.</p><p>"Who needs gold if I can have you?" Alec whispers into Magnus' neck.</p><p>"Sappy as in the olden days," Magnus says, trying to push down the butterflies in his stomach. "I like that."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>NSFW as it contains smut at the beginning. If you want to avoid the sex, jump to <b>"It's okay, it's okay"</b>.</p><p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus wakes up in what feels like the middle of the night. He remembers falling asleep in Alec's arms, but the bed is cold and empty now.</p><p>He stills to listen for sounds from the bathroom, but it's deathly silent. Magnus frowns. Has Alec already broken his promises?</p><p>He turns around to the alarm clock, his tired eyes focusing to check the time. It's 3.12 am, too early even for Alec to go for a run.</p><p>Magnus rises from the bed, slips into his house shoes and his bathrobe, and shuffles to the living room.</p><p>There in the darkness Alec sits on the sofa with his tablet in hand, reading.</p><p>"Hey," Magnus murmurs and Alec turns to him, a slight smile playing on his lips illuminated by the blueish light from the device.</p><p>"Hey," he answers softly. "Why are you up?"</p><p>"Could ask you the same," Magnus yawns.</p><p>"You didn't wear your sleeping mask and I know that light interrupts your sleep. I needed to do something, had too many thoughts running through my head," he replies.</p><p>Magnus sinks into the cushions next to him. "And you thought work could keep you from spiralling?"</p><p>Alec smiles faintly. Magnus knows him too well. "This isn't for work. I downloaded the book Izzy talked about. I needed to do something that might ... help us. I ... Yesterday was hard. I thought I was losing you ... I'm still afraid I will."</p><p>Magnus takes his hand and squeezes it lightly. "I'm sorry that you found out like this. I should have talked to you first, make you listen. It was a stupid move to get the papers and I never meant you to just find them. I don't want to hurt or scare you like that."</p><p>Alec squeezes back. "I know." He really does. Magnus isn't heartless. Way too often he is too kind to people who treat him like crap. Alec winces at the thought that he joined the ranks of those people. Fortunately, Magnus didn't see his reaction in the near darkness of the living room.</p><p>"So, what kind of book is this?" Magnus asks curiously.</p><p>"It's written by a married couple, both psychologists, marriage counsellors, and researchers. It's not new-age-y or anything like that. Basically, it's a manual to eight dates where you focus on healthy communication about a specific topic, to get to know your partner better and deepen your relationship. There are loads of questions and suggestions. Looks promising so far."</p><p>"Order it in print then. You know I need a book in my hand," Magnus says.</p><p>Alec smiles, thinking of the impressive library spreading through all rooms of the loft ever since the designated reading room<br/>
started bulging at the seams.</p><p>"They suggest every partner to have their own copy anyway," he replies and opens the website of their favourite local bookshop to place the order.</p><p>"So, what kind of suggestions do they give?" Magnus asks.</p><p>Alec scrolls back a few pages. "The different dates aside which are pretty straight forward, they have a huge list of topics to choose from to cherish your partner and tell them how you feel about them."</p><p>"Like what?"</p><p>Alec goes through the list. His eye fixes on number 4. <i>No one in the world can replace you.</i></p><p>Alec puts the tablet on the coffee table and moves to face Magnus. He takes his hands in his own and bites his bottom lip.</p><p>"The way you make me feel is unique. There is no-one who knows me better than you do. I know we had a difficult time communicating with each other and still ..."</p><p>He takes a deep breath. "I don't want to be with anybody else. I love you because you're kind and warm, smart and funny. You sacrifice everything for the people you love. I took you for granted and you didn't deserve that. You're special. You are the best father I could ever wish for our boys to have. Nobody can make me laugh as you do. You care for me even when I don't give anything back. Which is not okay from my side and I'll work on that. You are the most amazing partner, my diamond geezer as Ragnor taught me to call you."</p><p>Magnus chuckles. The old cabbage always likes to feed Alec more British words.</p><p>"You are a good friend, a great writer, and the only lover I ever want to have. I know these words are tinted by my former behaviour, but this is the truth: No-one in the world can replace you. You are the only one who can make me feel so happy by simply being around, who puts my mind at ease. You make me want to turn my life upside-down just to keep you in it, and you know how much I hate unpredictability. You are it for me, Magnus. There is no-one in this universe I want to spend my life with. You are my world."</p><p>They both fall silent for a long moment. Magnus soaks in the praise and the sincerity of Alec's words, tries to accept them without opposition.</p><p>"Thank you," Magnus whispers and clears his throat. "You are the love of my life. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. Maybe my self-sacrificing tendencies have their downsides, though."</p><p>Alec nods in agreement. Magnus continues, "But still, I would make the same decisions. I would choose you and the boys, again and again. But now I'm at a point where I need to look after myself, where I need to choose myself. If ... I don't know anybody who could fill the void you would leave behind if we decided to separate. It's ..."</p><p>Magnus falls silent. The sheer possibility makes it difficult to breathe. Both hold on to each other's hands for dear life. They can't go back to how it was. That ship has sailed. Divorce is still very much on the table and both know this is their last chance.</p><p>"We'll find a way, Magnus," Alec soothes him as confident as he can muster. "We always seem to find our way back to each other. We did when Camille tried to drive a wedge between us. We did when my jealousy made you think I didn't trust you. This time, we'll make it, too. I ... won't lose you. I can't."</p><p>Magnus sighs sharply in a strange mixture of relief and fear. </p><p>"I want you to be happy, Magnus. With me, I hope. I know we can do this." Magnus nods and suppresses a yawn. "Let's go back to bed, love. The boys will raid us soon enough," Alec suggests. </p><p>They cuddle up in bed with Magnus holding Alec tightly in his arms. <i>I won't lose you. I can't</i>, echos in his head.</p><p>"I can't lose you either," he murmurs over Alec's snoring. Sleep doesn't come easy.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p><p>---</p><p>The book mentioned in this chapter is '8 dates' by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman. Some of the worksheets are available to <a href="https://d17lzgq6gc2tox.cloudfront.net/downloadable/asset/original/9781523504466_Worksheets.pdf?1540584318">download for free</a>.</p><p>I bought the book and am not affiliated with the authors or the publisher.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rafael eyes his parents over the breakfast table. Something is different. Since when does Dad ask about Papa's week? Since when does Papa ask Dad for next week's schedule?</p><p>Their conversation is rather boring, but Rafe can't make himself stop watching the way his dad brushes his fingers softly over Papa's hand on the table.</p><p>Well, he won't complain. It's been a strange atmosphere between them for a while now. Not really bad, they never fought, but ... Rafe doesn't have the words to explain how it was, but he knows how it felt and that was unpleasant.</p><p>He has seen how other parents acted around each other. Some were like besotted teenagers <i>(urgh)</i>, some were really nasty <i>(double urgh)</i>. His own parents were somewhere in between. When his best friend's parents filed for an amicable divorce, Rafael wondered if his parents might be the next. He never voiced his fear, though, too worried that it might come true.</p><p>Seeing them like this now - tender and affectionate - is beautiful. Not even his pre-pubertal self can find it stupid. His fathers are both smiling, even if there is sadness woven in between.</p><p>He wonders what this all might mean, if it has to do with his papa's strange behaviour of the previous day.</p><p>He notices that his dad's laptop is tucked away in its bag and his phone is nowhere to be seen. That's mysterious. If he ever had to describe his dad, these two items would be the first he'd mention.</p><p>Rafael smiles. He doesn't care what happened yesterday. He likes to see his parents like this.</p><p>"What plans do you have for today, boys? Do we want to go out, all four of us?" Alec asks, giving Magnus a near shy smile.</p><p>Rafael grins. A thought runs through his mind. Is it too late to ask? Too risky? He hopes not.</p><p>"Can we go to the movies?"</p><p>"Anything in particular you want to see?" Alec asks.</p><p>His older son wriggles about on his chair. "Madzie said that there was a special screening of <i>The seelie queen</i> and she asked if I wanted to join them." His eyes flicker to Magnus.</p><p>"When did you talk to Madzie?" Magnus asks, ignoring the mentioning of the film version of the only children's book he has ever written.</p><p>"We skyped, Papa," Rafael answers with an eye-roll. "So, can we go?"</p><p>"I don't know," Magnus says. He knew this day would come but why does it have to be this one?</p><p>"Come on, Papa, it's PG-rated. And when all four of us go, there will always be someone to look after both of us if anything confuses us," Rafe reasons.</p><p>"You promised us to watch it, Papa. It would be so cool to see it in the cinema," Max chimes in.</p><p>Alec scans Magnus' face. He doesn't look upset, more amused at their sons' way of argumentation.</p><p>"I thought I had a little more time," Magnus sighs over-dramatically and the boys already know they won. "But as you said, Rafe, it's PG."</p><p>"The boys watched <i>Shrek</i>. It's not worse than that," Alec can't help, but supply.</p><p>"Seems as if I'm outvoted," Magnus chuckles. "I see if I can get tickets and you better hurry up, doing your homework."</p><p>The boys jump off their chairs and Max presses a quick kiss to Magnus' cheek. Alec squeezes his hand.</p><p>"You traitor," Magnus says without heat.</p><p>"I just want them to see how awesome their father is," Alec defends himself. "And I think a family night out isn't the worst thing we could do. It's been way too long."</p>
<hr/><p>"You look beautiful," Alec murmurs into Magnus' ear when they queue up for the snacks.</p><p>In an attempt of faking it 'til he's making it, Magnus put on some kohl and spiked up his hair. He doesn't really feel like his old self right now, but the man who looked back in the mirror at least resembled him a little.</p><p>"Why, thank you, Alexander," he answers with a smile that deepens when Alec presses a kiss to his cheek. </p><p>They walk back to Cat, arms and hands full of popcorn and soft drinks.</p><p>"I sent the kids to the restroom," Cat explains. "I can't believe you decided last minute to join us. Madzie asked Rafe three weeks ago."</p><p>Alec and Magnus share a look. "Better late then never," Alec replies.</p><p>Cat rolls her eyes but laughs. "I'm happy to see you, Alec. It's been way too long."</p><p>"Yeah," Alec says with a side look to Magnus, his cheeks growing pink under her gaze. Cat is Magnus' best friend. How likely is it that she doesn't know about their crisis? On the other hand, Magnus mostly sorts things out for himself. It hits Alec like lightning. Gosh, he must have felt so lonely.</p><p>Alec's guilty thoughts are interrupted by someone tapping on Magnus' shoulder.</p><p>"Excuse me, sir. Are you Magnus Bane?" a boy of maybe ten years asks.</p><p>"I am indeed," Magnus answers with a smile. It's been a long time since someone recognised him in public. No wonder with his average looks that he is usually sporting now.</p><p>"I saw your picture on the book cover. It's one of my favourites!" he beams at him.</p><p>"Are you here for the movie?" Magnus asks and the boy nods enthusiastically.</p><p>"I watched the DVD maybe a hundred times. I was too young to see it at the cinema when it first came out. Can I have an autograph, please?"</p><p>"But of course, my dear. What's your name?"</p><p>He hands him his ticket and a pen.</p><p>"Lian, but everybody calls me Lee."</p><p>"What is your favourite character, Lee?" Magnus asks.</p><p>"Aline," he answers quickly like a shot. "She likes girls, just like my mommies."</p><p>Magnus smiles at that. "She is modelled after a friend of mine," Magnus tells him. He should really call Aline and Helen, maybe invite them for brunch.</p><p>"Will you write more volumes?" Lian asks.</p><p>"I'm not sure, but who knows where the muse leads me?"</p><p>"It would be so great! There are not enough children's books with lgbtq+ characters."</p><p>"That's true," Cat agrees with a shit-eating grin and Magnus struggles to keep himself from a full-body eye roll. Cat is always breathing down his neck to write again, gentle of course, but steadily.</p><p>"Thank you so much, Mr Bane. My friends will be so jealous. Could my mum take a photo of us?"</p><p>Magnus laughs and agrees. He can't deny that this encounter felt good.</p><p>Later, nestled into Alec's side, watching the world he helped to create come to life on the big screen he thinks about all the open threads in this book, about kids like Lian who need to see themselves and their families represented in books. And maybe, just maybe, a few ideas are growing in his mind.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus looks tiredly at his phone. He wrote through the night. Alec told him to lie down in the morning and to catch up on some sleep, but Magnus was too giddy for that. Too many thoughts are crushing down on him now.</p><p>Does he still have what it takes to write a good book from start to finish? Is it the right time, now that they try to fix their marriage? What if the book is rejected by the publishing company or the fans of the first book?</p><p>He checks the notifications on his phone. Someone mentioned him on Twitter. That still happens time and again and it always leaves a happy bubbling in his stomach. The world has not forgotten him yet.</p><p>This time it's not just some unknown stranger mentioning one of his books, but someone familiar.</p><p>
  
</p><p>He likes and retweets the message, replies <em>It was a pleasure to meet you. 💜</em>, and saves the link. In case he ever gets to finish the book that he started plotting out last night, he should thank Lian for giving him a kick up the backside.</p><p>His husband brings him a cup of tea and Magnus looks up to him.</p><p>"What makes you so happy?" Alec asks. Magnus wasn't even aware that he was grinning like a Cheshire cat.</p><p>"The kid yesterday. His mum posted our photograph. He was right. And Cat. And my publisher."</p><p>Alec hums.</p><p>"I need more time to write," Magnus states.</p><p>"Okay," Alec replies. "How can I help?"</p><p>Magnus frowns. The kids are at school in the mornings. That would be the perfect time to write even if he is more creative in the late hours of the day. With Rafe now taking Max to school he has roughly 1.5 hours more free time every day. Better than nothing. He voices those thoughts.</p><p>"We could hire a cleaner," Alec proposes, "That would free even more time. And you could order in more often instead of cooking every day or use ready meals instead of cooking from scratch."</p><p>Magnus ponders that. It's a strange thought. They didn't have a cleaner since Max started kindergarten. On the other hand, it would really free more time. But cooking? That's something he loves.</p><p>"Let's see if that's necessary. Home-cooked meals are healthier. And I like cooking for the boys ... for all of us." He looks timidly at Alec.</p><p>Alec gives him a soft smile, showing that he's reading between the lines.</p><p>"I'll go over my schedule and will figure something out with Andrew. There must be a way to remodel my working hours, maybe pushing the things I can do from home to the evening hours. This way the boys can come to me if they need something, I can put them to bed, and you could use the time for uninterrupted writing. I won't be able to do that every day, but hopefully more often than not."</p><p>Magnus' stomach flips in excitement. Alec seems to make a real job of his promises.</p><p>"That or you could get the boys ready in the morning sometimes so I could sleep in after working through the night," Magnus suggests.</p><p>"Sure," Alec agrees. He pulls out his phone and taps on the screen. Magnus frowns, but then his own phone buzzes. "You have access to my calendar now. It must be anonymised due to company security standards, but there you can see whenever I'm scheduled.</p><p>"And I added another calendar that only we can see where we can fix who is taking care of the kids in the mornings and the evenings. I will give Andrew access to it if you don't mind. Then it's less likely that there are collisions."</p><p>Magnus agrees. "Thank you," he says and pulls Alec in for a kiss.</p><p>"I should have done this years ago," Alec murmurs. He looks away and rubs his hands nervously over his thighs. "I really want to make this work. But I'm worried to fuck this up somehow."</p><p>"You're not alone in this, darling. We keep on trying. We keep on talking. That's so much more than we did before."</p><p>Alec nods. "Thank you for giving me this chance," he says.</p><p>"Thank you, too, for not giving up on us," Magnus says. "I really appreciate the effort." He grabs Alec's hand and gives it a squeeze. "I will pick up the book tomorrow and see if I can find any counselling options for us, okay?"</p><p>Alec kisses him. "Thank you."</p><p>He looks at him shyly. Magnus feels the urge to take a picture of vulnerable, open Alec, of the face that remembers him of their first encounter with a frantically blushing Alec, so young and innocent, yet fascinating and able to unsettle Magnus in the best ways.</p><p>Magnus can't remember when he just looked at Alec like that the last time. Guilt pings in his heart. He has to change, too. It always takes two to tango.</p><p>"Can we cuddle now?" Alec asks and Magnus chuckles.</p><p>"Sure. But you have work to do, don't you?"</p><p>Alec shakes his head no. "I already answered all my emails. If the phone rings I'll have to pick up, but otherwise I'm all yours."</p><p>"They are just shmoozing. Come on, Rafe," they hear Max from the hallway.</p><p>Alec lets his head sink to Magnus' shoulder and chuckles. "Or not."</p><p>They turn to their sons who linger sheepishly in the doorway.</p><p>"What do you two want?" Magnus asks, one eyebrow raised in amusement.</p><p>"We wondered ...," Rafael starts.</p><p>"... ifyoucouldreadusyourbook," Max says, the sentence a stream of words that needs a moment to fully register.</p><p>"You really liked the movie, didn't you?" Magnus laughs. "Alright, I'll read it to you." He yawns.</p><p>"What do you say to me starting the book with you and we let Papa rest a little?" Alec asks.</p><p>Magnus looks at him thankfully.</p><p>"Yeah!" Max exclaims.</p><p>Alec presses a kiss to Magnus' forehead.</p><p>"What about breakfast for dinner? I could make pancakes," he whispers in his husband's ear.</p><p>"That sounds like heaven, darling," Magnus replies.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The picture I used for the tweet shows Harry Shum Jr. and Cassius Doroja, the boy who played Magnus as a child.</p><p>I used the picture description to include the text for a screen reader. If you use one, does it work?</p><p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus runs his fingers over the spines of the books in front of him. Writing them seems like a lifetime ago. He's surprised that Dot still keeps the books on display.</p><p>"Well, well, well, if that's not my favourite local celebrity," her voice comes from behind.</p><p>Magnus chuckles and turns around. "I doubt that many people still recognise me, Dorothea."</p><p>She raises an amused eyebrow and scans him from head to toe. "Now that you're forgoing your incognito looks I'm pretty sure, most will. You're still popular, Mags, people are asking me again and again if there's something new from you. Please, tell me, there is."</p><p>"I ... I just started something, but it's still in the embryonic period, nothing I can really talk about. I hope to be able to pitch it to my publisher soon, though."</p><p>Dot is all smiles. "That's wonderful! Any hints? You know I don't spill to anyone."</p><p>Magnus smiles back at her. They've known each other since studying English literature together. She was always one of his greatest cheerleaders beyond the glittery literature scene. She always grounded him when he needed to be.</p><p>"It would be a second part to 'The seelie queen', this time focusing on warlocks. I have ideas for following books, too, werewolves and vampires come to mind. Maybe it's being a father now, but I really like the idea of writing for kids, at least for now."</p><p>"I'm pretty sure, adults would read it too. 'The seelie queen' has a very engaged adult fandom. Did you ever check the fanfiction on AO3 or the fanart on Tumblr? Some things are breathtaking."</p><p>Magnus looks at her, his face a big question mark.</p><p>Dot laughs. "Oh, you poor, innocent man. Let me give you a heads up - you may want to avoid the explicit section. It might scar you for life."</p><p>Her following laughter shows that she is only half-serious.</p><p>"I will check it out," Magnus replies. People are writing fanfiction with his creations, are painting them and show their work online? What a thrilling thought it is that he inspired all those people beyond just reading the book.</p><p>"But you're not here for me to flatter you, I suppose?" Dot asks.</p><p>Magnus chuckles. "No. I came to pick up an order. And to say hi to you. The last times I visited you weren't here. It's been too long."</p><p>"That's true. So many things have changed. I opened a branch on the other side of the city. I split my time between here and there. The new one still needs some push. I'm working on a few events."</p><p>She looks at him with a face that clearly shows she wants to ask him something, but she decides against it.</p><p>"What is it?" Magnus grins at her.</p><p>"I wondered ... if the new book deal is fixed. Would you like to do a reading in my store? Could be fun for old fans and bring your book attention from a new audience."</p><p>Magnus ponders the idea. It would make sense. "I will come back to you if it's going well. Is that alright?"</p><p>Dot grins. "But of course."</p><p>They walk over to the sales counter and Dot scans the reservation shelf with her eyes to find Magnus' book. As she reads the title, her eyes tighten.</p><p>"Is everything okay between you and Alec?" she asks.</p><p>Magnus plays with his wedding ring. "We're working on it."</p><p>Dot stays silent for a long moment. "I know, we haven’t talked for ages, but I am here for you, whenever you need me, Mags."</p><p>He nods and gives her a thankful smile.</p><p>He pays and when she comes around to say goodbye he pulls her in for a hug.</p><p>"Don't be a stranger," she says and there is something in her voice he can't quite place.</p>
<hr/><p>Home again he sits down with the book. He reads through the cherishing questions when his phone alarm goes off, signalling he has to pick up Max.</p><p>On their way back, Max pesters him that he wants to go alone like Rafael. "I'll have to talk about this with Daddy," Magnus answers.</p><p>Max rolls his eyes. "You never ask for his opinion. Why now?"</p><p>Magnus is struck speechless. Did he exclude Alec or did he just adjust to his husband excluding himself? He isn't quite sure.</p><p>"Well, that wasn't right of me, was it?"</p><p>Max shrugs. "Daddy trusts you. He knows you'd do the right thing."</p><p>Magnus smiles softly. Children and their way to pick up on such simple things, it always amazes him.</p><p>"Still. I can't read his mind. It's important to talk not to assume just because you think you know what someone else's thoughts are."</p><p>"Okay, ask Daddy. But I'm old enough. I do not even have to change lines. It's easy as pie. Oh, can we have pie for dessert?"</p><p>Magnus chuckles. "If you do your homework in record time, we can go over to uncle Jace and buy some. Deal?"</p><p>"Deal," Max grins. His uncle bakes the best pies in town.</p>
<hr/><p>[Alexander] Sorry, can't make it for dinner. 😔 Marketing is erupting. I'll text you when I'm leaving the office. Can't wait to see you. I love you. 💗</p><p>Magnus can't make himself feeling disappointed. That Alec took time to shoot him a text speaks volumes.</p><p>Hope. It's a strange and dangerous feeling. But Magnus allows himself to nurture it.</p>
<hr/><p>Alec opens the front door at 10.43 pm. He finds Magnus dozing on the sofa, the television showing the 'Are you there?' message. He switches it off. </p><p>Alec kneels next to his husband and presses a soft kiss to his temple. Magnus opens his eyes slowly. </p><p>"Hey, Magnus, go to bed. You'd be more comfortable there," Alec whispers. </p><p>Magnus shakes his head and wills himself to sit up. "Hello, darling. I'm fine. I just rested my eyes."</p><p>Alec chuckles and Magnus grabs his tie to pull him into a kiss. Somehow Alec ends up lying on top of him. They lean their heads together and enjoy their closeness.</p><p>"How was your day?" Alec asks a little breathless.</p><p>"Great," Magnus answers, "I saw Jace and Clary, and Dot. They all send their regards. I left messages at several couple counsellors. Oh, and I read the beginning of the book. Are you ready for some cherishing?"</p><p>Alec laughs and sinks into the sofa. He intertwines their hands. "If you insist."</p><p>Magnus smiles. "Okay. Remember when I had the idea for 'The seelie queen' and my publisher pushed back, said it was a stupid idea to write a children's book? I doubted myself so much. I thought, maybe they were right? What was I thinking, writing something like that after publishing only novels for adults for all these years? I was so devastated, I shred my notes.</p><p>"And you? You just picked them up and taped them back together. You said that I should always follow my instincts and don't give a shit about what my publisher said, that my ideas were more important. You were always in my corner, and I thank you for that. Many of my achievements were only possible because you encouraged me to stay true to myself."</p><p>Alec gives him a small smile. He brushes his knuckles over Magnus' cheek. "Well, you are fantastic and I don't like it when someone else tries to clip your wings. I always admired your art, the way you paint pictures with words. What difference does it make for whom you're writing, as long as it makes you happy? Your books will always find their readers. I'm sure of that."</p><p>Magnus kisses him. "Thank you. I get the pie I saved for you. And then you tell me all about your marketing vulcano, okay?"</p><p>He slips out from underneath while Alec tries to hold him back.</p><p>"No, you must be tired, Magnus," Alec objects.</p><p>"Not too tired to listen to you," he insists and gets up to walk towards the kitchen. He stops in the middle of the room and turns around. "I'm sorry that I haven't listened to you or asked for your opinion in the past. It means a lot to me that we are talking again."</p><p>Alec nods. "To me, too."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[Magnus] We are on 12 different waiting lists. 😞 No-one is free for at least the next 5 weeks.</p><p>[Alexander] Sorry that I'm acting as a brake upon this. What do you say we do those dates in the book to bridge the time?</p><p>[Magnus] Do you think we can do this? Sounds intense.</p><p>[Alexander] Yes, to both. I think it's worth it.</p><p>[Magnus] What if we get in a fight?</p><p>[Alexander] You haven't read the second date yet? 😉 Kidding aside, I know we can do this, if the last few days are any indication.</p><p>Magnus ponders about it. Alec stood to his word, the last few days they talked level-headed even about difficult topics. And he really doesn't want to postpone the real work any longer. They waited too long to get down to the nitty-gritty of their relationship. Pushing back an irrevocable split up wouldn't be good for anybody and if they manage to save their marriage he wants this phase behind them as soon as possible.</p><p>[Magnus] Okay. What do you say? You plan the date and I organize the childcare?</p><p>[Alexander] Sounds like a plan. I love you. ❤</p><p>[Magnus] I love you, too. 😘</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>The next Saturday</b>
</p><p>Alec gets out of the bathroom and stops still in the door. Magnus is sitting in front of the vanity table, applying his make-up.</p><p>"It's been ages since you did a full face," Alec says after a long moment of admiring.</p><p>Magnus nods. "Izzy's birthday party."</p><p>"Yes," Alec says and walks over to him. He presses a kiss to Magnus' neck and smiles at him in the mirror. "But those were smokey eyes. This one looks even more elaborate."</p><p>"Mmh. It's a technique I found on youtube. It's amazing what the younger folks put on there. It's not too much?" Magnus asks, trying to push away the sudden insecurity knotting his stomach.</p><p>"It's perfect. You look wonderful tonight," Alec answers and walks to his wardrobe. "Is my tuxedo okay for what you planned to wear?"</p><p>"The question is rather if what I planned is adequate if the place you're taking me asks for a tux."</p><p>"They welcome jackets, but it isn't a must. I just want to look good for you."</p><p>Magnus looks up at that and is surprised by Alec's blushed cheeks.</p><p>"I love you in a tux. You know that. Are you nervous, darling?"</p><p>Alec huffs a laugh. "Of course I am. We're trying to save our marriage. It's worse than our first date."</p><p>Magnus chuckles kindly. "I'm sure you won't fall down the stairs again."</p><p>Alec laughs. "I better not."</p><p>Magnus gets up and pulls Alec into his arms. "I'm nervous, too."</p><p>They lean their foreheads together. </p><p>"At our first date I already knew that you were the one for me," Alec says lowly. "The thought that I might lose you is killing me."</p><p>"That makes us two, Alexander," Magnus replies and presses a soft kiss on his lips. "But I think we're on the right track."</p><p>Alec breathes out audibly. "I hope."</p><p>They take a cab and when Magnus hears the address his eyebrow shoots up.</p><p>"You didn't!"</p><p>"The authors recommended an elevated place with a view that is dear to us. I hope this is okay?"</p><p>Magnus brushes his hand over Alec's thigh in an effort to soothe him. He can't remember Alec being this nervous in the last few years. Usually, he is so confident. As much as it concerns him it's kind of flattering after all this time of sparse attention.</p><p>"The place where I proposed to you is perfect."</p><p>"That's what you call a proposal?" Alec asks snickering.</p><p>"You said yes in the end, so, sure," Magnus replies, suppressing a grin.</p><p>"You ranted about how long it took New York to legalise same-sex marriage and then you said grumpily that we should do it, just to spite all the bigots."</p><p>Magnus chuckles. "I didn't say that it was a <i>romantic</i> proposal."</p><p>"No, but I couldn't be disappointed. I just wanted to be your husband. I would have said yes in the middle of sex, a hostage situation, or an argument. I only waited for you to ask me because you always said that you never wanted to marry."</p><p>Magnus shakes his head in agreement.</p><p>"Do you regret asking me?" Alec asks subdued. </p><p>"No. I couldn't, even if our ways should part. I've never been as happy as I've been with you in our earlier years." Magnus knits his brow together and plays with the rings with his initials that he hasn't put on in ages. "I could never regret my life with you or having the boys."</p><p>His hands start trembling. Alec notices it instantly and he grabs one to squeeze it softly.</p><p>"You look scared, Magnus. What's running through your mind, love?"</p><p>Magnus shakes his head in refusal.</p><p>"I won't leave if you don't break up with me. You have nothing to be worried about," Alec tries to soothe him.</p><p>Magnus huffs. "I have a lot to worry about, Alexander, and our relationship is just one of those things. Whatever I decide regarding us will have consequences."</p><p>Alec is taken aback. "You're financially independent. And I'm sure the New Yorker dating scene would welcome you back in a heartbeat. If someone is going to lose everything it would be me. I'd lose the love of my life, I'd have to move, I would see the boys less often."</p><p>Magnus' eyes shoot up searching for Alec's. "You wouldn't take them away from me?"</p><p>Alec looks at him with wide eyes. "Is that what you're scared of? That I'd use the boys as a weapon against you? I wouldn't do that to you or them. I'm not an asshole like your father. I know they have a more intimate relationship with you. I want to work on that, but if we shouldn't be able to fix this," he swallows hard, "I wouldn't stand in the way if they chose you."</p><p>Alec's sad countenance breaks Magnus' heart. In all scenarios, he never really thought about Alec's feelings, his side of thoughts.</p><p>"Maybe they wouldn't. You're the cool dad after all," Magnus tries to comfort him and isn't that the strangest thing to do when your husband just took your biggest fear away?</p><p>"Magnus, you are the one who is always there for them, when they are sick or sad. I doubt that they'd prefer a live-in nanny to their own papa."</p><p>Magnus squeezes Alec's hand. "Let's do everything so they won't have to choose between us."</p><p>Alec nods, his lips curling into a lopsided smile. Both their hearts are somehow heavier and lighter now. It's palpable what's on the line, but Alec is determined and Magnus can feel it.</p><p>Soon after when the waiter leads them to the exact table where he 'proposed', Magnus grins inwardly. Their marriage won't end where it began, this much he is sure about.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus folds his serviette and lets his gaze wander over Manhattan. They've been here so many times before, sometimes just enjoying each other's company, the view, and their favourite cocktails.</p><p>"I first met your father here. How long were we together then?" Magnus asks, thinking about the first question of the evening.</p><p>Alec shrugs. "Seven months or so, why?"</p><p>"I remember your mother being miffed about it, always apologising for every cancelled date. I wondered if we kind of fell into your parents' dynamics."</p><p>Alec reflects on it for a moment. "There are parallels for sure. Mum raised us, Dad was always working." Alec swallows and frowns. "I never questioned it. It was clear that he earned the money and she took care of us. That was the deal."</p><p>"Do you think that they are still committed to each other?" Magnus inquires.</p><p>Alec blows out a breath. "Good question. I'm not sure." He furrows his brow even more. "Dad was gone most of the time. He gave Mum financial safety. He also supported her with connections when she opened the antiquarian bookshop after we left home."</p><p>"What about the other parts of their relationship? I've never seen them ... affectionate towards each other," Magnus determines.</p><p>"You're right. I guess they just aren't like that." Alec shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>"Are you like them? Do you not need these kinds of things?" Alec looks at him in confusion. "I mean, you've been very affectionate with me in the past, but until a few days ago you hardly touched me or kissed me on the lips. I wonder if we have different needs in this department," Magnus says.</p><p>Alec shakes his head. "No, it's not like that. I suppose I kind of mirrored the way my parents act around each other, but I don't think that this is really me." He chuckles. "What a strange thought that I somehow recreated this without even realising it."</p><p>"So, the new you, is it your true you or are you just doing it to please me?"</p><p>Alec shakes his head. "I didn't realise how much I missed it until we did it again. I want to touch you all the time, but ... I wasn't sure if it was appropriate and welcomed. I ... I just thought that's how it is when you've been together for so long, you kind of lose that part."</p><p>Magnus nods in understanding. "Because that's what your parents set as an example. But what I hear is, that isn't really how you want it to be between us."</p><p>Alec shakes his head no.</p><p>"Okay. Umm, as you know my family experience was way different. My father didn't care about my mother's wellbeing. He cheated on her all the time, kept her emotionally and financially on a short leash, he ...," Magnus trails off.</p><p>Alec takes his hand and brushes tenderly over the knuckles. "I know. But do you think that plays a role between us? I mean, you are financially independent, the loft is yours. You could kick me out anytime."</p><p>There is truth in Alec's words. He never worried that his husband would physically hurt him.</p><p>"You never yelled at me or threatened as he did. But do you know what was even worse than my father's attacks on my mother?"</p><p>Alec looks at him sorrowfully and shakes his head.</p><p>"The silent treatment. The disregarding."</p><p>Alec's mouth runs dry. "Is that what it felt like for you?" he asks, his voice shaking.</p><p>"It wasn't exactly the same. I didn't fear that you would hit me. But it felt as if I weren't worthy of your thoughts. My father always kept my mother on arm's length, didn't share what was going on in his life."</p><p>Alec breathes out sharply. "And there I thought at the end of a long day you needed peace and that I shouldn't pester you with my office crap. I mean, it sucked, but I didn't want to be a burden for you. My mother always took a bath or went to bed reading when my father came home. Or they watched tv together in silence. I can't really remember them engaging in conversation in the evening."</p><p>It hits Magnus like an ice-cold shower that they both are just recreating their family's dynamics without knowing what it does to the other.</p><p>Magnus shakes his head in sadness. He chuckles without mirth. "I thought that you weren't interested in my opinion anymore."</p><p>Alec lets out a strangled breath. "I thought the same about you."</p><p>They fall silent for a long moment.</p><p>"What does commitment in a relationship mean to you, Alexander?"</p><p>Alec's answers come swiftly. "Being faithful, having regards for your partner, fulfilling your responsibilities, stuff like that. What does it mean to you?"</p><p>"Faithfulness for sure. I always worried that you regretted to only have been with me, that you would want to find out how it would be with someone else."</p><p>Alec's eyes are popping out of his head. "Did you think I cheated on you?"</p><p>"No, no, no!" Magnus insists. "Just sometimes I wondered if you might be looking for someone else or what would happen if someone showed interest in you, you know."</p><p>Alec nods. "There was never someone else I was interested in. There were a few that showed interest in me, but I declined, and I would never actively look for somebody else. I know it sounds ... I really thought we were as happy as a couple can be after a long time being together and I thought you were content. I mean, I'm happy just knowing that you are around. I thought you felt the same. You never said anything."</p><p>"I am happy when you are around, but I need to feel wanted, that you want to spend time with me, even if it is just watching tv together. I told you that I felt lonely. The last time all you suggested was I should invite my friends more often."</p><p>Alec thinks back to that conversation. "I didn't know that this was about us. I thought you were just bored, needed adult company. "</p><p>They look at each other gobsmacked.</p><p>"That was the evening I decided not to pester you anymore," Magnus explains.</p><p>"Shit, Magnus." Alec runs a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry. I was a bad listener."</p><p>"I didn't voice my needs properly. I never really learnt that. My mum never asked for anything. I thought you should understand, read between the lines, but that wasn't fair. I should have said that I missed you and wanted to spend time with you instead."</p><p>Alec squeezes his hand. "And I should have known better. I know that you often only voice half of what you're thinking. I just thought that would be different with me," Alec says, his eyes filling with tears.</p><p>"It hurt thinking that you didn't care. That was the one thing I always trusted in, that you would take care of me," Magnus replies, trying to hold back his own tears. </p><p>"I do care for you!"</p><p>Magnus bites back a bitter remark. This is about understanding each other better, about being open-minded.</p><p>He swallows the lump in his throat and asks, "What are the ways you care for me?"</p><p>Alec frowns as if Magnus asked an obvious thing, but he schools his face.</p><p>"I work hard so that we can live a good life without touching the money you put aside. I know you need it to feel safe. I'm home most weekends so that you have some time for yourself. I respect your scopes without meddling in them. I respect and support the way you decide to lead your life and raise the kids. I give you space when you need it, don't pester you with my needs."</p><p>Magnus stares at him. Knowing Alec, it makes sense that this is what he thinks taking care of his family means. Why didn't he see it before?</p><p>"That's ... wow. I didn't know that you thought your needs were a nuisance to me. I want to take care of you in any way. I want to give you a place you like to come home to after work. I want to know what your needs are and fulfil as much as I can. You just have to voice them.</p><p>"And the money thing - I never said that we couldn't use it. It's ours, Alexander. Is that why you took the job? Because the one before didn't pay as good?"</p><p>Alec nods. "At first, yes. I wanted to give you the standard of living you were used to. But I really like it now. It's challenging and fun. My team is great."</p><p>"But you're tired all the time," Magnus states matter-of-factly. </p><p>"Yeah, but Andrew says it's my own fault because I don't delegate work that I could. He was elated when I told him that my schedule needs changing."</p><p>Magnus gives him a small smile. "There are so many things we don't seem to know about each other. It scares me, to be honest," he says.</p><p>"But that's what these dates are for. I learnt a lot already. I think I start to understand why you felt abandoned," Alec says.</p><p>"And I think I see now why you thought that this is just how it goes and didn't question my happiness," Magnus replies.</p><p>"I was so stupid." Alec closes his eyes, maybe in shame.</p><p>"As was I," Magnus says. "But a fault confessed is half redressed."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus shakes his head. Two grown-up men, both well-versed in using their words for work and they somehow managed both to act like complete idiots around each other, because they didn't talk.</p><p>Is it really as easy as that? They fell into a trap of 'family tradition' even though at least his life is way different to that of his parents? But that's probably just a half-truth. Even though he is financially independent and Alec would never be abusive, he's still the stay-at-home parent, and even though he chose this for himself, it might have been a change too big to not lose himself and slip into a position where he saw Alec's behaviour for something that it wasn't.</p><p>It's just the beginning of today's talk and looking at Alec, Magnus can see that his husband is already spiralling again. Both underestimated what this evening would look like. It's not a normal date. This isn't fun. But saving a marriage isn't fun. They let it run its cause for way too long.</p><p>"Alexander, what's going through your mind? You look pale. Aren't you feeling well?"</p><p>"No, I'm alright," he answers, giving him a strangled smile. "To be absolutely honest, the trust questions that are coming now are making me really nervous," Alec confesses, "I mean, we're in the middle of a crisis. Should we deal with it as suggested for couples where one broke the trust? Or do we use the normal questions?"</p><p>Alec's eyes flicker nervously from his fidgeting hand to Magnus' eyes and back.</p><p>"Maybe we should move this home? Take a breather?" Magnus suggests. </p><p>They drive home in silence. It's heavy, but not uncomfortable. Magnus takes Alec's hand and brushes over his knuckles. Alec’s lips curl up in a lopsided smile. His face got some of its colour back.</p><p>When they come back home, they find Izzy asleep on the sofa and Alec carries her to the guest room.</p><p>Magnus waits for him leaning at the balustrade on the balcony. Alec embraces him from behind. They share a moment of closeness and silence. </p><p>"Do you feel like I broke your trust?" Magnus asks the question that was burning on his tongue ever since Alec put the trust discussion on the table.</p><p>Alec is surprised by the question. Why would he? <i>Oh, right.</i> He shakes his head no. "Finding the divorce papers was a shock for sure and my first reflex was to be angry at you. But that was replaced by the fear of losing you rather quickly."</p><p>"Can you still trust me despite it?" Magnus asks anxiously.</p><p>Alec nods. "Yes. It was the result of miscommunication. I don't say that it was a good thing to do, but I think I understand now why you thought there was no other way, why you thought our marriage was over."</p><p>Magnus sighs in relief. Ever since he received that phone call in the supermarket he feared that he destroyed the remaining trust Alec had in him and that it could turn into anger.</p><p>"I'd like to answer the normal questions, maybe look at the way it was, let's say, two years ago. How I would like it to be again. Is that okay?"</p><p>Alec smiles a little. "Sure. But maybe we should sit down for it?" Alec pulls him to the outdoor loveseat. "So," he clears his throat, "what does trust mean to you?"</p><p>Magnus thought about it intensely the last few days. "Mainly reliability. I need to know that you keep promises, that you contact me whenever something unexpected interferes with our plan. I need honesty, even if it may not be easy. I want, I <i>need</i> to know if something is bothering you. And I need you to confide in me. All this makes me trust you. It makes me feel your commitment." He waits until Alec meets his gaze. "What about you?"</p><p>Alec plays with the cuff link of his shirt. "I'm not sure. I mean, I trust you, I just do. There's nothing specific I need for that. All you said plays a role, of course, but it wouldn't be a trust breaker if something worked differently for you. I mean, you are your own man. If for example you prefered confiding in Cat, I would be cool with it."</p><p>"Even if it were about us? Let's say, something intimate?" Magnus enquires.</p><p>A blush rises from Alec's neck to his cheeks. "I would never talk about sex with anybody else, but you."</p><p>Magnus brushes softly over Alec's trembling hand. "Because you think it would be a breach of trust or because the topic makes you feel uncomfortable?"</p><p>Alec gives him a bashful smile. "The latter," he murmurs.</p><p>"Okay. Let's say, our relationship crisis. Would you talk about it with anybody?"</p><p>"No. I would not breathe a word. This is personal," Alec says insistently.</p><p>Magnus hums. Maybe not talking to anyone is part of the problem, too. "Would I breach your trust if I did?" Magnus asks.</p><p>Alec ponders it for a minute. "No. You're different to me. You know that I try to fix problems on my own. I trust that you wouldn't gossip or make fun of me. You would ask for advice and that's okay."</p><p>"I wish you would ask for advice, too, sometimes. You don't need to figure out everything on your own, you know. I want to be the one you share your thoughts, your struggles, and your desires with. But I'm fully aware that I can't be everything for you."</p><p>Alec furrows his brow. Panic rises in his chest. "What do you mean by that?"</p><p>Magnus worries his lower lip. "I am your husband, your lover, your confidant. But you need other people, too. You barely have a private life."</p><p>Alec's feelings overwhelm him. Tears threaten to spill. What else does Magnus want? Will, what he is able to give, ever be enough?</p><p>"I struggle enough making time for you, Magnus. I really ...," he cards his hands through his hair. "You said you were lonely and now you want me to see other people? That doesn't make sense, unless ..."</p><p>Magnus' eyes turn sad. He didn't mean to shackle Alec to him. He needs to make him understand that this isn't an attempt to let him down softly. "That's not what I meant," he says sternly, "I missed <i>you</i>, the man I fell in love with, who wanted to be with me. That doesn't mean that you need to spend every single free minute with me. I think it is important that we do not only depend on each other for our happiness."</p><p>Alec looks at him in confusion, trails of tears running down his cheek. "I still don't understand."</p><p>Magnus brushes away the tears and presses a kiss to Alec's forehead. He brushes his hand soothingly through Alec's hair, hoping to ground him and to take away the fear.</p><p>"As important as it is that the two of us find each other again, I think we should not forget to find ourselves, too. You're helping me to get into writing again. I wouldn't mind if you took up archery again or revived your men's night with Jace. He misses you and I'm sure you do, too."</p><p>Alec nods. "But ... I thought we wanted to make more time for each other?"</p><p>"We do. But not at the cost of other needs we have. I'm sure we can still find ways to optimise our schedules. I could join you on your runs or we practise tai chi together. We can hire a babysitter so that we can meet our friends at the same time and none of us sits home alone."</p><p>Alec smiles through the still falling tears. "I said your creativity would save us," he chuckles wetly.</p><p>"You did, indeed. But we went astray. What is the next question?"</p><p>Alec's face pales. <i>Oh. That question.</i></p><p>"Do you want to start?" Magnus asks.</p><p>"I ... I'm not sure what to say. I mean, not since the whole Camille debacle."</p><p>Even after all these years, just hearing her name makes Magnus' skin crawl. She had implanted the thought in Alec of Magnus not being faithful to his partners. His then boyfriend's insecurity had watered the fear until Alec was jealous every time Magnus was flirty, even though he knew that there was no intent behind it. It took time - and a thorough roasting from Izzy who witnessed one of their fights over it - to make Alec understand that he was the only one for Magnus and that Camille was simply trying to break them up.</p><p>"I'm pretty sure that you know why I couldn't trust you in the past months. But I think what we are doing right now is exactly what I would have needed. Open communication, affection. I think we talked and cuddled more in the last week than in the last year."</p><p>Alec nods in agreement. "I am fully committed to you. I don't want a way out. I want to work on us. I just ... I don't know how long I can live with the uncertainty. It's clear that you can't promise me to stay with me forever. But, sometimes it feels as if you're still halfway on the way out."</p><p>"I'm sorry, Alexander. It's just, I don't know any other way to show you that I am serious. I don't want to hurt you or make this more difficult than it has to be, but this is the last chance we have to fix it. I can't waste my life if your behaviour change is only a mayfly."</p><p>Alec swallows hard and nods. "I understand, I really do. I just need to know if you are as committed as I am."</p><p><i>Am I the only one for you? Am I enough? Do you really want to save our marriage? </i> Magnus hears the unspoken questions and he feels like choking on them. Even if he can't voice it or even know it, Alec doesn't fully trust him right now, either.</p><p>"I am fully committed to you," Magnus states in a voice that doesn't leave room for interpretation. "There is no-one I would rather be with. I know we can be the husbands we need each other to be."</p><p>"I think that, too. I understand better now what you need and why. And there is nothing I wouldn't give to you, Magnus."</p><p>"I feel the same," his husband answers.</p><p>Later when Alec undresses him and whispers promises and praises into his heated skin, and he returns them with an overflowing heart, Magnus feels something he thought he lost a while ago, never to be found again:</p><p>He feels home, not only between the walls of the apartment but in his husband's arms.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next week is filled with a lot of talking, cuddling, planning, and writing. Magnus doesn't get enough sleep, but that never held him back.</p><p>That he is huffing and puffing like an old steam engine when Alec and he run together for the first time, grates on Magnus' ego, though. But when Alec kisses him better under the shower, Magnus decides, it was worth his terribly aching muscles.</p><p>After two weeks of changing arrangements and schedules they readjust their goals a little. It's not feasible that Alec is home for dinner every night, but he tries to be home for breakfast on the days he definitely can't be home early enough. That way they have at least one family meal per day.</p><p>Magnus is delighted. He can see the slow, but steady changes in Alec's calendar. More and more days have a greyed out area around the edges showing the time Alec blocked for child caring.</p><p>Together they found a solution for the gentlemen's club, that caused a heated discussion between them. Alec has no itch for going there. He's struggling with the latent misogyny and homophobia of many club members. Maybe that's why he turned to whiskey and cigars a little more than he would under other circumstances.</p><p>Magnus asks why he is staying in such a toxic environment and apart from the networking aspect, Alec can’t really give a single good argument for going there any longer.</p><p>Magnus suggests a monthly networking group with like-minded and more diverse CEOs. Alec and two other men he met at the club - who shared his discomfort around the backwardness there - are interested in working on it with him. It's Magnus' outside view that made Alec see another, better way than what he learnt from his mentors.</p><p>Magnus is productive as he wasn't in years. The story just flows out of his fingertips and soon he has enough material to pitch the book to his publisher.</p><p>One evening that Alec cleared for the kids, Magnus calls him to their bedroom. He does most of his writing there sitting on his antique secretary desk since his old study was turned into the boys' bedroom.</p><p>Alec is surprised to find him lying in bed instead, a stack of paper sitting on the nightstand. Alec raises an amused eyebrow. "Too tired for writing?"</p><p>Magnus gives him a mischievous grin. "Noooo. I just thought, as the boys went to bed so willingly today, you might be interested in listening to my first chapters."</p><p>Alec's smile grows wide. "It would be my honour," he says and Magnus can feel the sincerity in his words. Just a month ago he wouldn't have deemed this situation possible. But as Alec nestles into his arms and listens to him reading the story of a powerful, bisexual warlock fighting against demons and falling in love with a half-angel, Magnus realises that with leaving the writing behind, he somehow also lost his words in real life.</p><p>But now both are back and even though some discussions are hard and not without the risk of tearing them apart, Magnus feels more and more confident that they can make it to the other side together.</p><p>Earlier he read the next chapter of the dating book and he can already see how Alec tries to rephrase questions to be less suggestive. He's curious what Alec has to say about the way conflict was handled in the Lightwood family.</p><p>But first, Magnus enjoys Alec's closeness and the warm feeling of having all of his attention.</p>
<hr/><p>Jace and Clary pick up the kids for a sleepover so their parents can enjoy a date at home. The week was full and neither of them is in the mood for going out.</p><p>Magnus places the tray of leftover pie pieces that his brother-in-law brought them on the coffee table where Magnus already prepared a spread of mezze with a bottle of their favourite red wine.</p><p>Alec enters the living room and presses a kiss to Magnus' cheek. "This looks delicious. Thank you, love," he says and Magnus feels a strange sense of pride welling up in his chest. It feels like in the beginning when Alec's shy compliments threw him off guard.</p><p>"You're most welcome, darling. I thought a bit of food diversity could ease the topic."</p><p>"Are you worried about it? I think our conflict skills might need polishing, but they aren't too bad. I found it difficult to find three issues we could struggle with. Maybe we just don't fight as much because there aren't too many topics we disagree on," Alec muses and shrugs his shoulders. </p><p>"Or we just avoid conflicts and leave too many things unsaid," Magnus says, sitting down on the sofa, and pulling Alec next to him. "I mean. I never learnt how to have a healthy conflict and, let's be honest, neither have you. Not in a relationship context."</p><p>"Yeah," Alec chuckles, "but it is no secret that you avoid having certain discussions and that I am oblivious to many things that bother you. I think that is the real crux, not our conflict skills per se. So, maybe it would be good to go through all 25 topics of the list to see where everyone's standing?"</p><p>Magnus nods. And so they spend hours talking openly over everything from their emotionality to finances, over their ambitions for work to spirituality and the frequency of having sex.</p><p>Magnus learns that Alec dreams of retiring early and of getting away for a long weekend, just the two of them. Alec is surprised by Magnus' admission to wanting to go clubbing again and the seriousness with which he manages their money.</p><p>Alec confesses that he prefers taking their time in bed and Magnus that he likes quickies now and then just as much.</p><p>Alec shares that he finds it difficult to talk about his feelings unprompted, especially when they are negative. Magnus talks about his experiences of always being 'too much' for his partners and his contradictory feelings of wanting to be his expressive self and at the same time not wanting to chase Alec away.</p><p>They are open and raw with each other as they have never been before and they experience respect and acceptance. There are things they label as 'perpetual problems', differences that will most likely never change. But by discussing them they realise that they will never become an insurmountable difference, as long as they keep respectful around them and cherish their differences instead of getting into gridlock over them.</p><p>"I learnt so much about you tonight," Alec says at 4 am, his eyes fighting against falling shut.</p><p>Magnus runs his hand through Alec's hair. "Me, too, and about you." He gives Alec a wink.</p><p>Both chuckle. "I want to get to know you even better," Alec murmurs, "but I think we should really go to bed."</p><p>"Thank God, the kids are only back in the afternoon," Magnus replies and both fall into the bed, already drugged with sleep.</p><p>"Hey?"</p><p>"Mmh," answers Magnus, pressing a little closer to his husband's back.</p><p>"Do you know that I love you?"</p><p>Magnus smiles. "Yes, I do. And I love you, Alexander."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus wakes up with Alec wrapped around him. This man is truly an octopus if he allows himself to just be and Magnus loves it. Alec's body grounds him in a way he missed for such a long time.</p><p>Magnus studies his husband's sleeping face. Alec is still as beautiful as the day they met over a decade ago. The wrinkles around his eyes are deeper, a few stray grey hairs are already visible. <i>I want to grow old and grey with you</i>, Magnus thinks and the tenderness of this thought washes through his whole body.</p><p>He brushes his hand over Alec's back. Memories of the previous day run through his head. He thought he knew Alec inside and out. Boy, was he wrong! There were so many hidden gems he wasn't aware of, but also fears and sorrows. They laughed and cried a lot, both of them.</p><p>Even though the topics were sometimes heavy and difficult, there was not a single moment of anger or mistrust between them. Despite all the new, it felt very familiar. Is it possible to fall in love all over again with the father of your children? Magnus smiles. It sure feels like it.</p><p>Magnus wonders what the other six dates could add to what they achieved so far. For the first time in a very long time, Magnus feels safe with Alec and trusts the feeling that divorce is truly off the table.</p><p>"What'cha thinkin' about?" Alec murmurs. "Your heart is racing."</p><p>Magnus chuckles. "I just realised that I'm terribly in love with my husband."</p><p>Alec opens his still sleep-heavy eyes. His lips curl into a sappy smile. "Is that so?"</p><p>Magnus brushes the hair out of Alec's face. "Yep."</p><p>Alec rolls off him and presses his hands dramatically over his heart. "What poetry lies in one single word."</p><p>Magnus elbows him playfully in the side. "As if you needed more, Mister Brief-and-factual."</p><p>It says a lot about how far they have come in the last two weeks that Alec answers with a laugh. "Still, I wouldn't complain if Mister Wordmaster wrote poetry about the way I make him feel."</p><p>"Nah, prose is more to my taste. Although I guess even that would be at least poetic." Magnus nestles into Alec's side. "How are you feeling, darling?"</p><p>Alec caresses his cheek. "Tired, but happy. I feel like we left the worse behind us."</p><p>His brow knits together and Magnus understands that this was a question in disguise.</p><p>"I feel the same," he replies.</p><p>Alec releases a breath of relief. His eyes fill with tears. He pulls Magnus into a kiss to keep them from falling, but to no avail. He spills them anyway, but they mix with Magnus'.</p><p>Both are laughing when they finally break away. "Since when are we such crybabies?" Alec asks wiping the tears off Magnus' cheeks.</p><p>"It's cathartic, don't you think?"</p><p>Alec takes a deep breath. "Yeah, but I could live without it, at least the sad tears."</p><p>Magnus hums in agreement. "I guess we already talked about some of the heavy stuff that should come up on the other dates. I hope it will be easier than the last two. It's exhausting."</p><p>Alec agrees. "Maybe we should go on a normal date in between, just having fun together," he suggests.</p><p>Magnus checks the time. "We could still go and have brunch. What do you think? Are you ready to face the real world?"</p><p>"I think you need to power me up with more kisses," Alec grins.</p><p>"Aren't you cheeky?" Magnus replies and starts with a peck on Alec's nose.</p>
<hr/><p>"We've never been here before," Alec says, overlooking the little café with vintage interior from their table in the back.</p><p>"I used to write here before we met," Magnus explains. "I thought about it when you mentioned the Imasu incident last night."</p><p>Alec's cheeks grow pink. "I was such an ass to you then."</p><p>"Yes. Jealousy can make one say ugly things. But for the most part, I found your jealousy rather amusing. He and I, that was never going to last."</p><p>"And why does this place remind you of him?"</p><p>"I got him a job as a waiter being friends with the owner. He lasted ten days," Magnus recounts with clear amusement in his voice. "He was forgetful, messed up a lot of the orders."</p><p>Alec chuckles. "Honestly, I have huge respect for everyone in the foodservice industry. I wouldn't last a day," Alec confesses.</p><p>"You're lucky I am a talented cook."</p><p>"That I am indeed." Alec presses a kiss to Magnus' cheek and takes his hand while giving the waitress his order.</p><p>"I can't believe my eyes. Mister Bane, to what do I owe the honour of this visit?"</p><p>Magnus' face lights up. "Tessa!" He gets up and pulls her into a hug. "I've been here last week, trying to convince your busy bees to give me a standing reservation."</p><p>"You're going to write again?!" Tessa squeaks in a tone more suited for a teenage girl and not the mid-forty woman that she is.</p><p>"I started already, but I miss your hot chocolates," Magnus grins.</p><p>Alec watches the exchange in amusement.</p><p>"Oh, I'm such a putz. May I introduce you to my husband Alec who I neglected to bring here for way too many years?" Magnus says.</p><p>"If it weren't for your wedding pictures in the newspapers, I would have thought you were one of Magnus' imaginary creations," Tessa laughs and shakes Alec's hand.</p><p>"I just don't want to share my dear Alexander with anyone," Magnus says. "Not everyone is so good at sharing as Jem and Will."</p><p>He winks at her and Tessa gives him a full belly laugh. Alec's gaze flickers between the two, a frown growing on his forehead.</p><p>"Jem and Will are Tessa's life partners," Magnus clears up his confusion. Alec nods his understanding. "How are they, my dear?"</p><p>"Oh, same old, same old. Jem is officially cancer-free and is regularly playing in a chamber orchestra again. Oh, and Will got tenure. Have I told you about that?"</p><p>"No. But send him my congratulations. I'm so happy that Jem is better now. Does he perform locally? I'd love to hear him play."</p><p>"I get you a flyer," Tessa promises.</p><p>"Jem is one of the best violin players I have ever heard performing," Magnus explains. "I'd love to take you to a concert with him."</p><p>Tessa is called back into the kitchen and the waitress brings their food.</p><p>"How come that you never told me about them before?" Alec asks. "You seem to be good friends."</p><p>The bite of waffles keeps hanging in the air while Magnus thinks about how to tell him about his reasoning. Magnus lowers his hand back to the table.</p><p>"Right at the beginning of our relationship I wanted to introduce you. But then we had this discussion about the couple that opened up their marriage, I can't remember their name, and you said something like, you think it's okay, that everyone should live the way it makes them happy, but that you wouldn't feel comfortable around people who lived in such a relationship."</p><p>Alec looks at him flabbergasted. "Why didn't you try to change my mind? It was obviously a stupid thing to say."</p><p>"You were just out of the closet, still adjusting to our relationship. But thinking back, I most likely wanted to avoid the conflict, didn't want you to think I wanted the same. That was around the time Camille tried to drive us apart."</p><p>Alec nods in understanding. "Okay. Just ... don't hide people who are dear to you just because I <i>might</i> feel uncomfortable. That would be my problem to solve."</p><p>"You're right. And you will love those three. They are acting like an old couple ever since they started to date. It's ridiculous how good they work together as a team."</p><p>"We should invite them over," Alec says. "Maybe we can learn a thing or two from them."</p><p>Magnus looks at Alec who is leaning back in his chair. "But you don't want a similar ..."</p><p>Alec turns scarlet. "No! I thought we made it clear last night that none of us wants an open relationship or anything like that."</p><p>Magnus chuckles softly. "I just wanted to be absolutely sure."</p><p>Alec has come so far from the traditional man Magnus fell in love with. <i>I should really give him more credit</i>, Magnus muses.</p><p>"So, the hot chocolate is good?" Alec asks.</p><p>"The best in New York," Magnus grins and catches Alec's lips with his own.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Papa, do you have a minute?" Rafael asks, leaning in the door of his parents' bedroom.</p><p>Magnus looks up from his laptop. "Sure. Is everything okay, honey?" Magnus asks in concern. He watches how his son closes the door behind him and crawls on top of the bed.</p><p>It's been quite some time since he came for cuddles regularly, but Magnus understands him immediately. He walks from his desk to the bed and leans to the headboard. His eldest follows the silent invitation and cuddles against his chest.</p><p>"What's up, Rafe? Is anything bothering you?" Magnus asks, brushing a hand through his son's hair.</p><p>"I'm worried to jinx it," Rafael murmurs.</p><p>"To jinx what?" Magnus frowns.</p><p>"So many things are changing. Daddy eats with us and gets us ready in the morning. You two talk a lot, someone babysits us every Saturday. You two are like different persons. I was wondering ... When Aaron's parents prepared their divorce, they were as nice as pie around each other, they had long discussions around how they would tell it to the kids and their families, without knowing that Aaron could hear everything."</p><p>Magnus swallows the sudden lump in his throat. "So, you're worried that Dad and I might prepare our separation?"</p><p>Rafael nods. Magnus looks at him with sadness. Kids shouldn't worry about these kinds of things.</p><p>"Your dad and I, we love each other very much. For some time we didn't really work on our relationship and that's what we're trying to mend now. We're talking so much because we want to understand each other better, because we want to stay together. And we want to have more family time with all four of us, not just trips on the weekend. </p><p>"Yes, there are and will be changes, but we hope that they will be for everyone's benefit. Yours, too. We want to be a happy family, and your dad and I want to be a happy couple, and that's why we're working on our marriage."</p><p>Rafe sighs in relief and cuddles even closer. "So, no divorce plans?"</p><p>"No, you don't need to worry about that."</p><p>Magnus brushes his hand soothingly over Rafael's back. What a brave boy he is to ask. He must have been terrified. </p><p>They cuddle without talking for a while. "I am happy that you're not crying anymore," Rafael breaks the silence. Magnus feels like someone had punched him hard.</p><p>"What ...?"</p><p>Rafael raises his head. "I saw you sometimes when I needed to go to the loo."</p><p>Magnus looks at him in shock. "Oh, Rafe, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't ... That's over now. I was sad and lonely for some time, that's true."</p><p>"But now you feel better?"</p><p>"So much better." He smiles at his son. One should never underestimate what a child picks up when you think no-one's watching.</p><p>"Does Max know?" Magnus asks, but Rafe shakes his head no. "Good. I'm so sorry that we worried you. Next time, please come straight away, okay? I don't want you to worry about me or Dad."</p><p>Rafael presses a kiss to Magnus' cheek and cuddles back against his chest.</p><p>"Is there anything else that worries you?" Magnus asks.</p><p>Rafael thinks for a moment, the frown on his face looks so much like the one Alec sports ever so often.</p><p>"Do we have to be at that party you're planning?"</p><p>Magnus chuckles. "Not if you don't want to. You and Max can have your own little party with Madzie in your room. You don't have to stay with us old people."</p><p>"Good. No offence, Papa, but old people are boring."</p><p>Magnus chuckles. "You might be right. Do you want to help me choose my outfit? I don't want to embarrass you with being my boring self."</p><p>Rafael jumps off the bed. "Papa, you will look great when I'm done with you."</p><p>Magnus chuckles. "I trust your fashion sense. Let's get started."</p><p>While Rafael pulls out half of Magnus' expansive wardrobe and picks pieces his father hasn't worn in years, his papa ponders how they can involve their kids more in the process of reconnecting and how to make sure that the boys feel safe and cherished, too. He'll have to talk to Alec about it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus recounts nervously the huge numbers of points on his to-do list. He hasn't planned a party for such a long time and this one was more of a spontaneous idea. He mostly invited friends, but some of them he hasn't seen for years.</p><p>He's happy that so many responded positively even though it was on such short notice. But now he needs to cater for 40 plus people.</p><p>Magnus chuckles. He had parties with much more people in this very loft in the early 2000s but that was another time and he was another man then.</p><p>Cat strolls through the kitchen door, munching on something she stole from the catering trays. Magnus gives her a stern look and a cocked eyebrow, she chuckles in response.</p><p>"This will be the party of the year, Magnus. Don't look so worried," she says.</p><p>"Oh, my dearest Catarina. I feel a little rusty. I haven't socialised for such a long time."</p><p>"You are a natural entertainer, Magnus. That instinct doesn't go away. It'll be like riding a bike. And if not, there is always the open bar."</p><p>A smile tugs on Magnus' lips, but even his best friend can't erase the nervous knots in his stomach.</p><p>"Do you think it was the right decision to keep the kids here?"</p><p>"Sure," she chirps, "they'll have fun."</p><p>"Yes, maybe too much," Magnus chuckles.</p><p>"We know how to behave," Madzie says from behind. "I wouldn't dare shame my godfather."</p><p>Magnus raises an eyebrow. "You better not or Disney World is cancelled this year."</p><p>Madzie pouts. "You wouldn't ..."</p><p>"Oh, he would," Cat deadpans.</p><p>Both adults start laughing when they see the girl's shocked face.</p><p>"No worries, Sweet Pea," Magnus says. "I'm looking forward to it just as much as you do."</p><p>Madzie sighs in relief. "Can we have pizza? This fancy stuff isn't filling," she says, the ever-hungry teenager that she is. Magnus hands her a menu and sends her off to the boys.</p>
<hr/><p>The loft fills with more and more people. Clary and Jace bring the desserts right from the bakery, Izzy her new beau Simon, Maryse and Robert an expensive red wine. Raphael took a day off just to be able to come. Dot arrives with a good bottle of whisky, and Tessa and her partners arrive just in time with a gift basket filled with Magnus' favourite hot chocolate mix. Helen and Aline announced to come later as their babysitter wasn't free earlier.</p><p>There are some local literature names Magnus stayed in loose contact with over the years with whom he talks chop, an entourage of his publisher he tries to sweet-talk, and even a journalist and a photographer that weren't his idea to invite.</p><p>All in all, it's more people the apartment has seen in years and if it weren't for the armour he's wearing - Rafael chose a spiky jacket and Magnus put on more colour on his face and glitter in his hair than should be legal to wear - Magnus would have hidden in the kitchen a long time ago. The fact that Alec doesn't respond to his texts isn't helping his nervous state. He should have been home over an hour ago.</p><p>But Magnus presses the raising mix of concern and anger down to the pit of his stomach and switches on his host persona. The guests are chatting and eating, everyone is enjoying themselves. Magnus makes conversation with everyone, but on the back of his mind, he can't stop thinking about Alec. Is he okay? He can't have forgotten! But what if? Is the second honeymoon already over?</p><p>He wants to go and check on his phone once more, but his publisher motions him to give a speech. Too many eyes are already turned his way. It's too late to steal himself away to the kitchen where his phone is plugged in.</p><p>Magnus speaks with ease, thanks everyone for coming.</p><p>"We're here today to celebrate a new beginning. This week I signed the contract for my next book."</p><p>As the guests applaud, Magnus more feels than sees movement behind him. He turns slightly and catches a glimpse of Alec who is staying out of sight for the people in the open living room, obviously trying to leave Magnus' spotlight uninterrupted. Alec's face is unreadable, but the worry in his eyes is clear to see.</p><p>Magnus turns back to his guests and brings his little speech to an end. Everyone goes back to their earlier talks and after a quick pat on his back from his publisher, Magnus inflates slightly. He won't make a scene in front of all these people, but he is going to explode if he can't let off some steam. He needs to know what the hell was more important than keeping a promise of supporting him 'no matter what'.</p><p>He gives Alec a stern look and walks to their bedroom. It's only when his husband closes the door behind himself that Magnus allows himself to turn to him.</p><p>"Magnus, I'm sorry," Alec says, worry lacing every syllable.</p><p>Magnus folds his arms in front of his chest and nods. "Continue."</p><p>"We had an incident at the office."</p><p>Magnus waits for a longer explanation, but Alec falls silent. His gaze flickers through the room. He looks like a schoolboy who forgot his homework. It would be endearing if his absence hadn't hurt so much.</p><p>Magnus feels like fraying on the edges. But they promised each other to talk and to listen, exploding anger won't change anything.</p><p>"A life or death situation?" Magnus asks and damn it, he didn't plan to sound that pissed.</p><p>"Actually, yes. Literally," Alec answers and Magnus' anger squibs in a millisecond.</p><p>"Are you okay, Alexander?"</p><p>"Yes, as is everyone else now."</p><p>Magnus nods. He's still unsettled, but as Alec doesn't seem to want to elaborate, he decides it's time to go back to the party. He has guests to entertain so he walks to the door where Alec is still hovering and takes the handle. Alec grabs his arm.</p><p>"Please, don't leave me. I knew I had fucked up when I saw the time. I called immediately, but you didn't pick up."</p><p>Alec sounds devastated, bordering on panicked. His face shows the same.</p><p>Magnus takes a deep breath. He puts a hand on Alec's cheek. "There are people outside waiting for me. You said you're okay. Do you need to talk about what happened?"</p><p>"No. Just ... tell me if you want me to pack."</p><p>Magnus' face falls. "I am miffed, Alexander, but I'm sure you have a good explanation for your tardiness. I'm just happy that you're safe. I was worried sick."</p><p>Alec looks at him with wide Bambi eyes. "You said it was my last chance ..."</p><p>Magnus sighs sharply. "We are allowed to mess things up. You don't need to be worried that I'm leaving you just because you are late to my party."</p><p>He brushes a hand through Alec's hair and presses a soft kiss to his lips. "You don't get rid of me that easily," Magnus says and gives him a warm smile.</p><p>Alec breathes out shakily. "I'll just freshen up and join you in a minute." He kisses Magnus' cheek. Both hesitate to let go of each other.</p><p>"We're fine, darling. Don't you worry," Magnus whispers and the words are balm for Alec's soul. Not every mistake is a deal-breaker anymore. Magnus trusts him. He won't belie his faith in him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec leans against the headboard and looks at Magnus who is taking off his make-up at his vanity table. </p><p>"How could you ever think I would be angry? This was an exceptional situation, Alexander. She could have been dead if you didn't stay with her." Magnus shakes his head in disbelief.</p><p>"This is not how I want it to be between us," Magnus says and the sound of his voice lets some of the knots in Alec's stomach uncurl. Still, he feels sick. He worried all the way home, worried the whole evening, and wondered if he would still be welcomed here despite Magnus' earlier words. Not even the banter with Jace could take his mind off the day's events and the way Izzy hugged him as they said goodbye showed that he wasn't as subtle as he had hoped to be.</p><p>Alec swallows the lump in his throat. "You worked so hard for this party and I wasn't here. What else should I think now that we are still trying to fix our relationship? I'm worried to mess up all the time," Alec spouts out.</p><p>Magnus turns around to face him. Sadness flows through his body and clenches around his heart. "Darling, I don't want you to be afraid of losing me. This isn't healthy. Yes, there is always a chance of us breaking up one day and I worry about it, too, but I don't let this thought dictate every move I make. That would suck all the happiness out of me."</p><p>Magnus walks over to the bed and sits down next to Alec. He cups his husband's face with both hands. "I want you to be happy with me."</p><p>"I am. It's just," Alec searches for the right words, "everything is shaken up and I still haven't found my footing yet."</p><p>Magnus hums in understanding. "I really think that we need professional counselling. The dates are great, but I think there are still things we manoeuvre around, that we need to work through. I want you to feel confident in our relationship. This feels way too much as if I'm holding power over you and I don't want that. We're equals."</p><p>Alec diverts his gaze. "It's just ... I feel like this is all my fault and I just know I will mess up and then you ..." He trails off in a sob. But he bites it back just like the tears. He's fed up with always hovering right on the edge. </p><p>Magnus brushes his thumbs over Alec's cheeks and shakes his head no. "We <i>both</i> made mistakes, darling. Why can you forgive me mine, but not yourself?"</p><p>Alec huffs. The burden of liability is too ingrained in him for being soft on himself. "I was always the one who took on all the responsibility in my family. Being a big brother can push you in this position. Like Rafe. Thinking about him shielding Max from the mess I'm responsible for ..."</p><p>"Stop! Right there!" Magnus interrupts him. He lowers his hands to Alec's chest. "Him hearing me crying isn't your fault. I was miserable and I put all the blame on you. But I didn't even try to change things for myself to make it better. I was so focused on you, on saving our marriage that I had a huge blind spot regarding the things I denied myself. You didn't keep me from writing. You didn't keep me from seeing my friends. No-one forced me to be a stay-at-home father. These were all my choices and I covered up my frustration by blaming you for not making me happy. But that's not your job, Alexander."</p><p>"But I want to make you happy," Alec insists, looking straight into Magnus' eyes.</p><p>"I know. Me, too. But neither of us should be the only source of happiness for the other. I mean, you pull so much vigour from your work. It empowers you as my writing empowers me. Your love does it, too, but on another level. It nourishes me in a way nothing else can. I want that for you, too. I want you to draw strength from our love, not for it to have you on edge all the time."</p><p>Alec purses his lips. "I think that day when I found the papers, something broke in me and it will take time to heal."</p><p>That was what Magnus knew for quite some time even though Alec insisted on trusting him, but he is strangely proud that Alec finally admits it.</p><p>"I am so sorry, Alexander. But I will do everything in my power to help you heal." He looks at Alec's tired face. "What do you need now?"</p><p>Alec’s lips twitch a little as if they were unsure if they truly wanted to form a smile.</p><p>"Just you. Just holding you?" It's a plea and how could Magnus deny him anything?</p><p>"But of course. Just let me put on my pyjamas real quick."</p>
<hr/><p>"Magnus?" Alec whispers, not quite sure if his husband is awake or not.</p><p>"Mmh," comes his voice muffled from where his head is cushioned on Alec's chest.</p><p>"When is your reading at Dot's?"</p><p>Magnus cuddles closer. "Next Friday at 4 pm. Why?"</p><p>Alec presses a kiss into his soft hair. "Just because. Clary asked if she could join the fun with the boys."</p><p>"Sure," Magnus murmurs.</p><p>"She said she wanted to paint with them afterwards. You could spend some time with Dot, if you liked," Alec says.</p><p>Magnus raises his head. "But it's one of your free evenings."</p><p>"Yes, but how often do you find time to meet your friends? You deserve to have some fun, you know, especially after such a special day."</p><p>"Oh, I have plenty of fun with you," Magnus grins mischievously. "But you're right. I'll ask if she's free."</p><p>Alec hums. "You were great tonight. I always envied the ease with which you entertain."</p><p>Magnus snickers. "It's not that hard if you actually like people."</p><p>Alec cocks an eyebrow, but grins in amusement. "I <i>do</i> like people."</p><p>"Yes, when they are family or in your orbit long enough to become part of it. You should have seen your face when Izzy introduced Simon, Mister Grumpy cat."</p><p>"Touché." Alec frowns. "Is that why you hardly invite friends over? Am I a buzzkill?"</p><p>Magnus' mouth falls agape. "No! Not if people know you."</p><p>"So, it's a yes then," Alec muses.</p><p>"Alexander, you are one of the most caring people I know. I think a lot of your cautiousness around new people comes from your protectiveness for those you care about. I mean, what you did for your employee today - not every boss would have stayed just to make sure that she was fine."</p><p>Alec brushes his hand idly over Magnus' back. "Still, you're a natural. Do you miss hosting parties?"</p><p>"I wouldn't mind one now and then.  But I don't need them to be happy. Brunches on the other hand ..." Magnus purses his lips. </p><p>"I see, you want to spread the gay agenda," Alec deadpans, remembering a photograph of a women's march placard Magnus showed him.</p><p>His husband chuckles. "Yes, that's my aim. I'm looking forward to the conservative press. 'Magnus Bane - turning our children gay, one book and one brunch at a time'."</p><p>Alec guffaws. "I'll be your partner in crime then, making the big sacrifice of eating lox bagels and pancakes at the same meal."</p><p>"You're such a warrior, darling. Battling the demons of brioche and champagne for the good."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus taps with his finger on the kitchen worktop. From the opened newspaper smiles his own face back at him. It's equally thrilling and nauseating. Now that the word is out - thanks to the journalist that joined his party - there's no turning back. The world knows he's writing again and people are waiting for his book to drop.</p><p>The article is mostly nice, just a few stingers here and there questioning his abilities after such a long 'writer's block' and his choice to write for children and adolescents.</p><p>Alec embraces him from behind and reads the article over his shoulder. "It's a nice opening," he muses.</p><p>"Opening?" Magnus asks, cocking a questioning eyebrow. </p><p>"I guess the journalists will beat a path to your door now as they used to do."</p><p>Magnus chuckles. "You may overestimate my reputation or rather what's left of it."</p><p>"You're giving yourself not enough credit," Alec says and presses a kiss to his neck.</p><p>"Says the right one," Magnus snickers and pushes himself off the kitchen island and into Alec who pulls him closer.</p><p>"I see great things happening, Magnus. You worked straight through last week. Are you even catching a breath now and then?"</p><p>Magnus turns around in his arms and gives him a warm smile. "Every time I'm with you, darling."</p><p>Alec blushes. Magnus shakes his head softly in amusement and raises an eyebrow. "Did I just fluster you?"</p><p>"Noooo ... I just had to think about last night," Alec smiles lopsidedly.</p><p>Magnus pushes him playfully. "Men and the only thing they can think about."</p><p>"That would include you," Alec chuckles.</p><p>"Touché," Magnus says and grins into a kiss.</p>
<hr/><p>The bookshop fills with more and more people. Some families come together, but also adults and teens on their own. Dot needs to remove a display to free more space.</p><p>Magnus had hoped that not too few would come, but the turnout takes his breath away. Maybe it's due to the article. His excitement grows minute by minute and pride fills his chest, knowing his boys will see their father in his author role for the very first time.</p><p>When he gets on the makeshift stage he looks into smiling and expecting faces. Reading for his audience feels like he never stopped doing it. Maybe it's the familiar surroundings, but it kind of feels like sliding back into his own skin.</p><p>The younger kids are bubbly, but Magnus can capture them with his words and the way he uses different voices. He catches the adults and the teens in the room with his art of waving the words into a colourful painting. Lots of them most likely know the book, but they are still hanging on his lips anyway.</p><p>Afterwards the questions just rain down on him.</p><p>"Do your kids get to read your new book before us?" a girl, maybe 12, asks.</p><p>Max groans. "No, he thinks we can't keep a secret," he complains.</p><p>Before Magnus can say something, Rafael chimes in. "But he's right. We would combust and spill everything."</p><p>The room fills with laughter. "This might very well happen. But I could give you all a little sneak peek," Magnus offers.</p><p>Applause erupts and Magnus chuckles. "Okay then. Cock your ears and listen well ..."</p>
<hr/><p>The bookshop hasn't closed yet, but Dot sends her employee to the front and settles with Magnus in the back of the shop. It's calm and cosy around them and a 16-year-old Speyside is warming them from the inside.</p><p>Dot laughs, the tumbler in her hand hanging precariously on her fingertips. "To be young again," she sighs, leaning on the backrest of the couch they both are sitting on.</p><p>Magnus waves his hand in refusal. "Youth is overrated, my dear. We are way better versions of ourselves now than we were when this whisky was distilled."</p><p>"Why? We were young and free, had sex with whoever we wanted. No relationship dramas or lonely nights." Dot shrugs her shoulders. "Wouldn't you want that again?"</p><p>Magnus looks at her for a long moment. "What makes you think that?"</p><p>Dot shrugs again and leans in his direction a little swaying from the alcohol flowing through her body. </p><p>"Your man came late at your party. I saw that you were miffed. And he didn't come today either. He basically pushed you into my arms," she snickers, but the closeness of her lips hovering just millimetres away from Magnus', betrays the lightness of her teasing.</p><p>"Dot, you're drunk," Magnus says, pushing softly against her shoulders to sit her back. But she sways even closer.</p><p>"Come on, Mags. You used to love to kiss me."</p><p>"That's a lifetime ago and there is only one person I plan to kiss for the rest of my life and that is my husband. Please, don't do anything that you might regret when you're sober again," Magnus pleads.</p><p>Dot scrunches her face. "Yeah. It's a shame though. I could make you really happy," she slurs.</p><p>"Alec makes me really happy, Dorothea."</p><p>"Does he? Coz your book choice says otherwise," she cups his face, but Magnus grabs her wrists and pulls away from her.</p><p>Someone clears their throat in the doorway and Dot's eyes grow wide when Alec steps into the lounging area.</p><p>Dot finally pulls back from Magnus and blushes crimson. Magnus turns around and when he sees his husband, he pales.</p><p>"It's not what it looks like," Magnus says swiftly, rolling his eyes at himself right afterwards. How unsuspicious can these words sound? </p><p>"It looks like an old flame trying to seduce my husband," Alec states, his face a well-tailored mask of composure. </p><p>"I'm sorry, Alec, I didn't mean to," Dot tries.</p><p>"You did, Dorothea," Alec says coldly.</p><p>Silence falls between the three. Magnus still doesn't know what Alec is making of the whole situation.</p><p>"What ... what are you doing here?" he finally presses out.</p><p>"I wanted to pick you up. When you sent me a picture of the near-empty bottle, I thought it not safe to let you travel back alone."</p><p>"The kids?"</p><p>"... are watching a movie with Clary. Come on, let's bring you home. Dot, do you need help to get upstairs?"</p><p>Dot shakes her head, shame written all over her face.</p><p>"Magnus didn't do anything," she tries to explain.</p><p>"I know," Alec simply says and the two words take a weight off Magnus' mind.</p><p>"You do?" he still needs to make sure.</p><p>"Yes, I trust you, remember? Apart from that, I heard what you said to her."</p>
<hr/><p>They don't talk a lot on the taxi drive home, but Alec brushes his thumb over Magnus' hand that he's holding.</p><p>"You make me happy, too, you know?" Alec asks abruptly.</p><p>Magnus nods.</p><p>"Told you, you're still highly coveted," Alec says, a small smile playing on his lips.</p><p>"That was just nostalgia," Magnus dismisses it.</p><p>"Thank you," Alec says.</p><p>Magnus frowns. "For what?"</p><p>"For keeping your vows. It would have been easy to take the chance and play it off as an alcohol slip up."</p><p>Magnus shakes his head a little too vigorously for his intoxicated state. "Never. I'm yours, Alexander."</p><p>Alec pulls Magnus' hand towards him and presses a warm kiss on its back.</p><p>"As am I."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Max looks down at his father, a mischievous grin on his face. "Don't look so worried, Dad. It's fun up here," he says and resumes climbing up the wall, taking on every grip as if he had bouldered his whole life.</p><p>Alec chuckles nervously. "He's right," Rafael chimes in. "Save that for when Papa is securing you."</p><p>Magnus snickers next to him and Alec gives him one of his trademark eye-rolls. It makes Magnus' insides tickle in the best way possible. It's the first time that Alec allowed himself to react like that, intuitively without hesitation. Magnus can't help but see it as a big win.</p><p>"Your Daddy knows that I would never let him fall," Magnus says with utter conviction and Alec beams at him. More butterflies storm through Magnus' stomach and he needs to divert his gaze to his older son who he is securing.</p><p>"This was a great idea," Alec says. "It's fun. Are you ready to go next?"</p><p>"I'm ready to go anywhere with you, darling."</p><p>Words like these come easy now. They don't leave a bitter aftertaste anymore. Magnus doesn't dare to hope that they will fix much, but Alec seems to relax more and more.</p><p>They had several dates since that day in the bookshop, talked intensely about their sex life, their work and finances. Today is the result of their family date the night before and it is the most fun the four of them had in ages.</p><p>Magnus asks an employee to secure Rafe to take a picture of the brave boys hovering above them.</p><p>When they are down on solid ground again, Magnus starts his journey with an encouraging kiss and the firm resolution never to look down until he makes it to the top.</p><p>That works until he reaches the middle of the climbing wall. He looks at his boys who cheer him on and at Alec who fixes him with a concentrated gaze that pushes all air out of his lungs. They are working so hard and still, there are moments like these where it feels as if their fundament is as sound as the air between them.</p><p>Magnus tries to breathe in. That's not really the right time or place for a meltdown, is it? He leans his head against the wall, his hands holding tight on the grips.</p><p>"Are you alright, love?" Alec's voice reaches him.</p><p>"Yeah. Just needed a breather," Magnus lies and the frown on Alec's forehead shows that he looks right through him.</p><p>To prove him wrong or maybe just because he doesn't want to embarrass himself in front of his children, Magnus forces his hands and feet to move. He surprises himself when it actually works. Mind over matter is really a thing.</p><p>He reaches the top and closes his eyes. There is no way he is able to climb down again. His muscles ache and his mind is running low. The lowered guard leaves cracks for all the things he tried to push away - the voice of Alec over the phone on that godforsaken day, Alec's face when he thought everything was over, the fear in his eyes whenever he thinks he messed up, the damn papers still sitting in the drawer of Magnus' desk.</p><p>But then he squints down, just for a second. Sees Alec's warm, caring eyes never leaving him. He remembers the glimpse of hope that showed there more often than not in the last few days, the feeling of embraces and more, the way they laughed last night, Alec's trust, their shared I love yous, the family dinners, and the way they hold each other at night. And he thinks of the kintsugi bowl on their dresser and the way he sometimes catches Alec looking at it with fondness and longing.</p><p><i>It's time</i>, Magnus thinks, <i>It's time to take the leap and leave this period behind.</i></p><p>"I've got you," Alec shouts from below. "Just let go."</p><p>And Magnus does. He lets go of the fear and the distrust, the past pain and the exit strategies, and he lets go of the grips, letting himself catch through Alec's strength until he falls into his arms, quietly sobbing.</p><p>"I've got you," Alec repeats and pulls him into a tight embrace. He presses kisses into Magnus' hair.</p><p>Magnus feels smaller hands on his back and shoulder. He snivels a laugh and pulls his sons to his sides. He looks up at Alec who seems to understand as tears of his own and a smile find their way on his face.</p><p>"Papa, why are you crying?" Max asks.</p><p>Magnus brushes a hand through his son's hair. "Because I am the luckiest man alive."</p><p>It's as simple as that and still he knows how hard it was to reach that point.</p><p>"I dare to disagree," Alec says and Rafael pushes him playfully.</p><p>"Let's see if you say the same when you reach the top and Papa lowers <i>you</i> down."</p><p>Alec chuckles and takes a long look into Magnus' eyes. He nods, a still acknowledgement of what transpired between them. "I trust your father with my heart and soul AND my body."</p><p>"TMI, Dad. Come on, move!" Rafael pushes, rolling his eyes when his fathers decide to kiss each other first.</p><p>Alec ruffles Rafe's hair and clicks the snap hook in place. He places a kiss on Magnus' forehead. They smile at each other softly.</p>
<hr/><p>Alec walks out on the balcony, frowning at Magnus' strange behaviour. He can see a big metal bowl and a box of matchsticks. He walks closer, running his hands from Magnus' shoulders over his sides to rest them on his hips.</p><p>"Whatcha doin'?" he asks.</p><p>"Making things right," Magnus simply says, moving the sheets of paper he was holding too close for Alec to see.</p><p>He rips them into pieces and he can hear how Alec breathes out sharply. He puts the shreds into the bowl and takes the matchbox in his hand. He pulls one out and nudges Alec's hand to take it.</p><p>Alec presses closer to his back and they light the match together. The divorce papers go up in flames and both are watching in severe silence as the snippets shrink and darken until only ashes remain.</p><p>Alec presses a kiss into Magnus' neck and keeps his face hidden there. Magnus feels Alec's tears running down to the collar of his shirt.</p><p>"These are the last, okay?" Magnus snivels quietly. "No more tears."</p><p>"I'll do my best," Alec chuckles softly. </p><p>"I know you do and so will I."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading. 💜</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Magnus and Alec sit down on the counsellor's couch. They both smile nervously and Magnus grabs Alec's hand to hold on to it.</p><p>"What brought you here today?" the psychologist asks, looking over the rim of her glasses.</p><p>Alec clears his throat and Magnus nods to encourage him to speak first. "Well, a few weeks ago we thought we might part ways."</p><p>"You're using past tense," the counsellor states matter-of-factly. </p><p>"Yes," Magnus replies. "That's off the table, but we still have things to talk about where we need help from someone outside of the relationship."</p><p>The psychologist nods. "That's what I'm here for. So, tell me about you."</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>5 years later</b>
</p><p>Alec pops his head through the door. Tessa chases him away into the hallway. "It brings ill luck when you see the groom before the wedding."</p><p>Alec rolls his eyes. "He's my husband of 15 years, Tess, I doubt that it will do anything, but possibly ruin his make-up."</p><p>"And you don't think that might bring hell on earth?" she teases.</p><p>Alec chuckles. "I just wanted to bring him the news that everything is ready. Ragnor gave his okay."</p><p>Tessa cocks an amused eyebrow. "I'll tell Magnus," she promises. "Are you okay?"</p><p>"Yes, why wouldn't I be? I'm marrying the love of my life. Again."</p><p>"After all you two have been through. And it's your first real wedding even if it is technically your vow renewal. This time it's not just you two and the marriage registrar."</p><p>"It sure feels like a real wedding, with bridesmaids and such. But after all the craziness, I think we deserve this," Alec says and even if he is more of a private person, he really means it.</p><p>She nods in agreement. "I'll see you later then," Alec bids goodbye. </p><p>Tessa returns to Magnus' dressing room where Catarina is fixating his make-up with a setting spray.</p><p>"How does he look like?" Magnus asks.</p><p>"Dashing as always," Tessa smiles. "He's looking great in the tux you chose for him."</p><p>"He's such a handsome man," Magnus sighs. "The more and more silver hairs he gets, the more beautiful he looks. It's ridiculous!"</p><p>"I hope Raphael and I are as happy on our 15th anniversary as you two are," Cat says.</p><p>"It'll only take you 14 more years to find out," Magnus chuckles. Cat slaps him playfully.</p><p>Ragnor walks in, a grin on his face as wide as the ocean that usually separates them.</p><p>"So, what are your plans when the honeymoon is over?" he asks apropos of nothing.</p><p>Magnus smiles at him fondly. The old buggar! It wouldn't kill him to pick up the phone sometimes.</p><p>"In the fall I will go on a book tour with the fifth volume of my children book series and my new novel for adults will most likely be published in spring. The fall break we will spend in Vancouver where the shooting for 'The High Warlock of Brooklyn' will take place. Alec is rather busy at his new job, but he took time off to come with me and the boys."</p><p>"Is he treating you right, my friend?" Ragnor inquires.</p><p>"He fulfils my every wish, dear cabbage."</p><p>"I thought so," Ragnor says, "spoiling you rotten. I could see it in the flower arrangements. Magnus, seriously!?"</p><p>Magnus laughs. "I plan to have a church wedding just once. And I know you love them."</p><p>Ragnor chuckles.</p><p>"Enough of the sappy stuff. Put on your jacket. It's time," Cat interrupts their banter.</p>
<hr/><p>The string quartet that Alec thought was over the top plays Vivaldi as Magnus enters the chapel on his mother's arm.</p><p>Alec is standing in front of the altar with Jace, Rafe, and Max at his side. Cat, Tessa, and Madzie are waiting for Magnus up there, and Ragnor grins straight across the aisle. Magnus recognises his vestment as the one he gave him to his ordination. That sentimental bastard. Does he want him to cry even before the ceremony begins?</p><p>But then Magnus' gaze narrows down on Alec's face, his beautiful eyes that sparkle with joy, and the smile that shines like the sun.</p><p>It's been a very long way to this day. They still go to marriage counselling whenever a topic pops up that they can't solve on their own. But that is less and less necessary. They learnt a lot about how to talk with each other.</p><p>They have bi-weekly date nights and regular family dinners. They discuss problems openly and feel safe with one another. </p><p>There are still bumps in the road, misunderstandings, and moments of frustration. But there is always love, and trust, and commitment. </p><p>Sometimes Magnus still waits for the other shoe to drop. Alec may do as well. But it doesn't play a part in their everyday life anymore.</p><p>As they speak their vows that they wrote together Magnus can see the tears forming in his husband's eyes and feels his own voice waver of emotions. Every word is chosen carefully to show what they learnt on their way and what they want to be the foundation of their future.</p><p>It's the essence of the silver lines that hold their brokenness together, the beauty that came out of nearly losing each other and fighting to stay together, of growing together and as their own person.</p><p>Magnus thinks about the blue bowl still sitting on their dresser, where they are leaving little notes of love, of cherishing, and encouragement for each other whenever their lives are too busy to say them.</p><p>The pain they went through is a distant memory, as smooth as the edges of the once broken bowl, so pretty in its new state, much more meaningful and precious.</p><p>They nearly lost each other, but what they found is stronger and more solid than whatever they had before. It's beautiful. It's perfect imperfection.</p><p>
  <i>The love I have for you is a love that knows no bounds<br/>
In times of joy as well as sadness, in sickness and in health<br/>
I will love you as my equal and protect you above all else<br/>
I will share with you my truest feelings and when you speak, I will listen<br/>
I will catch you when you fall and when you soar, I will help you reach your greatest heights<br/>
I am, and will always be, your loving husband.</i>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is it, folks. I hope you enjoyed this journey just as much as I did. </p><p>Thank you for all the kudos and comments! Every single one motivated me to keep on writing even if it got tough sometimes. 💜</p><p>Thank you to my beta reader Hittiske. Thanks for challenging my story, your feedback, and your companionship. You are a gem. 💖</p><p>Stay tuned for my new story "Love in the city" starting tomorrow. It's a fluffy getting together story with cute Malec, sweet kids, and sprinkles of drama.</p><p>If you like my writing, consider following me. I write Shadowhunters and Supernatural fanfiction.</p><p>Stay safe! 🙏<br/>Sabine<br/>❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤</p>
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